literally crying rn

So my mom took my phone away and tumblr is blocked AND twitter is blocked on my school laptop but this isnt blocked (yay) so thats why im writing this on my secret secret account instead of just my secret account. 

ok so dialing it back yesterday i was rly tired (i have this werid fautige thing where im tired all the time and i get headaches/migraines almost every day) that speficic day i had both so i get home from school tired and sad cuz i have one friend and shes in only 1 of my classes i would put a sad face emoji there but idk how. anyways im in bed about to get some z's in and my mama comes in saying clean up your room and im like can i do it in 20 mins she said no 12 im like ok so 12 mins past and the timer goes off but because of my weird fatuige thing i couldent get out of bed so i wait for some energy to get to me but it dosent come some time passes she comes back mad and says im disrepectful and lazy the usaul yk? and im like no bro im just weridly tired shes like nah dawg you lazy now get up and clean im like ok damn so i go to clean n stuff but before i clean i go downstairs to get a fruit for some energy you feel me? also ion rly drink water cuz idk but yeah so i get some water and a mandarin and im about to eat it and shes like lmaooo kaya where r u i say downstairs y? she gets mad and comes downsatirs and is like damn bitch you eating??? im like yeah im tired fr fr and i havent ate in a mintue shes like getting mad n stuff but im holding my groud cuz she know i got issues fr fr and she know my eating habits are trash thanks to autism(ihateu) so we argue yadadada and shes like put your phone up lol im like this is unjust bro im tired and wanted to get sumthin to eat and you ruinin the vibe and shes like stfu so i put my phone upstiars and cry yall... i was mad fr fr i am proudly addicted to my phone and she gon take it away... like what do i do now die?/?? anyways im about to bang my head agasint the wall n shit like i was stressed out plsss and so after i clean i take a nap and ask her to get me sum water cuz idk shes my mom yk or one of my siblings idk and she says no im not helping you after you disrepect me n shit (flashback) my mom had a werid sickness and she was sick sick so i took care of her for the last 4 days wheter i wanted to or not and her saying that was kinda a slap in the face (end of flashback) so now i was pissed cuz what but anyways at this point i was stressed and i wanted to hurt someone anyone idc but i went outside to chill off i went in her car and with the only time i could use my phone was to talk to my dad (they r divored and he lives in the midwest i live in the south) and hes like damn you got it bad im like ik right lmao and now its the next day i need my phone for lunch and so ic an take it i watch some breaking bad episodes and wonder why i get no bitches as im wondering this i reallise that life hasnt gotten any better we jsut got some money and painted a coat of white over the fading wood and acted like it was better it wasnt. i usally say im alone not lonely but nah im alone and lonley i miss my friend i miss her sm we were like two peas in a pod now we are like two divorced paraents. anyways i flunk my tests and understand nothing in class and now im back home aka today i come home ressits the urge to cry and go inside god im so lonely i frown and take off my clothes put some house clothes on and get in my bed my mom calls me i lokwey forgot she was here i go to her i do some stuff for her yadada she says put your phone up im like ok lol and go bang my head agant the all after not rly but i tried ( i cant handle stresfull things) and i go to sleep cuz i cant read books for like 7 hours bro common so i go to bed my mom gets milkshakes (milkshakes arent one of my safe foods) i was sleeping anyways so i dont eat it. its currenlty in the frezeer and will stay there until tomorrow but if being real i did that out of spite i feel both guilty and not really reliaved i mean she wasted her money and i thought it would make my feel better making her waste her stuff but it didnt it made me feel worse i know she tries her hardest but im just a terrible daughter and im realising that now but i dont know why i do the stuff that i do im mean to my siblings i start drama i do i a lot of bad stuff on purpose but i dont know why its kinda like i act on autopoilot i know what im doing i just cant stop it i think im going to move out. ive said this before but im being seourous now i dont understand my my mother didnt want me to leave the first time i dont listen to her, i talk back, im faling, and i dont take my meds im literally a shit daughter and she still didnt want me to leave but when i said i was planning on leaving she cried i didnt want to see her cry i hated her in pain she was in my close circle yet here i am the reason why she cried i felt so bad but i wanted what was best for me i stayed obvi but it never left my mind leaving and her crying. if i left she would be a single mom with two toddlers and a dad that lives and hour away thats already bad enuogh but idk life sucks and i think im like fucking losing my mind or sumthing im so miserable and sad i wish i could like die and come rq and remake my descitions i wish i had a diffent mom not becuase i dont like her but becuase i dont deserve her. i fear that this is the end for me this year sucked ass literally nothing went right I HAVE GREY HAIRS?!! its tew stressfull not going back and checking my spelling too tired 

in my next life i wanna be a mermaid and swim with my friends have a fish buddy and live life freely not whatever this is.