social anxiety

i fucking hate being shy! that's literally one of my biggest downfalls, and i don't know how to get around it. i've always been so shy and socially anxious around people - especially since covid started. if i wasn't shy, then i would go around my entire school and just talk! literally, i'd just talk to anybody who i thought was cool in my classes and i would probably be friends with them on the spot. but i can't do that. i wish i could, but i don't know how to stop being so socially anxious! 

i get so fucking scared talking to people that i can't even explain it. it feels like everything you say is wrong and it pisses them off and you convince yourself that the other person hates your guts. it's like you're coughing up nails every time you gain the confidence to actually go up to someone, and when you don't it feels like a thousand people yelling in your ear to go actually talk to a new person. and inevitably, when the class period is over or you lost your chance, a huge wave of disappointment washes over you, and i fucking hate it so much!

i have these two people who have been in my classes since last year, and i wanted to be close to them for that long, too, but because of this stupid block of anxiousness, i can't. both of them are so cool and it's so annoying that i can't speak to them without stuttering. i think all my friends have come up to me to be my friend. me initiating conversation seems very intimidating. i don't know what to do. i know i should just talk to them and stop being so scared, but i just don't know how. each time i think of something to talk about to them, i always trip myself out and don't do anything. 

it's so fucking exhausting i'm so tired of being shy

stephen