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Category: Life

Wake Up!

" I still don't know how to wrap my head around this and I have so many mixed feelings towards this. Someone who was really close to me committed suicide two weeks ago and I found out six day ago. I felt like I've tried everything that I could to prevent it from happening, but you can't control others actions. Personally, I don't feel at fault because of it it. Yet, I do have mixed feelings towards this. My initial thought was to be happy for her because she's finally free from the things she was feeling. Then again, the selfish side of me was sad and angry that she removed herself from my life completely. I'm still having trouble adjusting to this change. I literally had just received the artwork for some music that I've been working on and one second after, I found out through other people that she died due to suicide. Death isn't anything new to me, but for it to be this close and not be family; it feels different. Mind you, I currently live where we first met, I've explored where I lived and happened to wander into areas we would hang out at when we first met, and on top of that: my first job here was the arcade we would spend time and take photos at. Honestly, I haven't taken the time to acknowledge what happened, I just dove into more work and made myself busy/productive. It's been a week of just cracking jokes and smiling, but on the inside; I'm questioning everything. I just lost a friend and someone I loved deeply. Someone that I've shared secrets with and also have went through very low times around them. This one stings a bit more than others. It made me think,"Is this how people would feel if I took my life?", "Am I sure that I've said everything that I've needed to say". Fuck, man. I haven't cried or anything, but today I woke up and tried calling her and even left a text, to see if there would be an answer. I can't even make it to the funeral because it's in another country and I don't have a passport. I knew things were off the last time we spoke because she finally admitted to me that they were, but she also couldn't put her finger on what it was. This is someone I really loved and I feel like if we were in a romantic relationship together, maybe she would still be alive. She was really my dream girl and I've always told her that and I was her dream guy... There was just things to where we didn't work out, even when we wanted it to happen. She knew I wanted her, and I knew she wanted me. Maybe she was protecting me... It's not like she didn't tell me what was going through her mind, she did and I really tried as best as I could to get her out of it; but I knew if I did too much, I would become consumed by her feelings and begin to feel the same way. After the news, I even had a dream we were together and spent time with one another. I look at her pictures everyday because I don't ever want her to feel forgotten. She would tell me that I've made her feel the best things in a lifetime. That means a lot to me, but I just want her here. I want us to share music again and talk about our ideas. Laugh about the weirdest things and fan out over the peoples art that we enjoy. There are moments where I think should I just kill myself to be with you again, but there's no guarantee. I love you, Aimee. "


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