10-25-22 ♡ on quietness

I think it's strange that within the span of 24 hours, I felt the feeling of being low-energy and silent in ways where I felt both comfortable and uncomfortable.

Earlier this morning, I got to meet my orgmates in the flesh for the first time and I just felt out of place. I didn't really know how to push conversation or start anything, so I pretty much allowed myself to be quiet. Though it is a bit awkward when everyone is very familiar and has met each other and you just... are there. I knew that, I let it be. Our org adviser is actually my prof for the class I would be attending in the afternoon and I was talking to them and we got to the conversation where some people who were there were my higher years in high school and they were surprised were were and I'm sure that's bc they didn't greet me......

And in the afternoon, we were assigned to do a project in pairs. I was betting that we'd be in bigger groups for this one. Based on the way my friends were talking, I knew that I was about to be in the position where I'd go with the stranger. Thankfully, they rather stick with their friends so we got to work as a trio. And I don't think they really mind me as a groupmate,,, I think?

And with those friends, we worked a bit more seriously compared to others. We're relatively close and we do laugh after, but a friend of ours kept on checking up on us asking if we were alright. And I knew because it looked like we were stressed and tense. Were they? I was on autopilot. Everything was normal anyways after that

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I don't mind it all; I'm used to being ignored and not really pushing myself to be noticed. Maybe it'll suck in the long run, but when it gets pointed out I'm just wfhjskdsdfs

It's weird because I know people want to care for me, but if I'm in the position to be at the side, I'd rather prefer to be left alone listening because so many people just remind me of it by checking up on me and it sucks :(( and I really, REALLY don't want people to feel reliant on trying to lift me up to socialization. I don't want to be a burden ><

I've tried to brave and navigate through socialization but god is it so painful and hard,,,, and I know this is something I really have to control and is all in my hands, but it is hard,, 

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I think I haven't felt myself truly rested because I haven't had dates for myself. I guess I really am an introvert!!! I'll have to interact with so many people this week so wish me luck!!

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It is never a waste to be kind╰(*´︶`*)╯♡