Forever In Time {update on being homeless}

update: still homeless

okay but fr, we have been motel hopping for a few days and are running out of money to pay for them and my whole family is freaking out. i left my friends house yesterday and i'm back in another motel w my fam. i have another friend who has kindly said she'll let me stay at hers for a week with Cinnamon (my cat) if needed, paying for necessities for me like food n stuff cuz she has a stable job. looks like i'll have to do that tomorrow, she also is giving me a (well deserved) bottle of vodka to get pissed off my ass so i'm exited to fall back into binge drinking/j. i've never stress-starved before but since we entered the first motel, i haven't eaten much, except the KFC i had yesterday and the unusual Maccas for breaky. Adams' (my friend i stayed with) family gave me "tender wraps" which is just a chicken tender in a wrap with cheese and whatever else i want on it and holy shit it is amazing (Adam, tell your mother she makes good food lol).

my brother would cry alot during the times we were apart and just coz of all the stress on us, but he has made the decision to give up, NOT KHS, just stop caring, stop crying. i fear he's depressed, i know hes depressed. i just wish i had the strength to help him, but i've had that idon'tgiveafuck attitude for 2 months now. my mother, being a long-time sufferer with mental health issues, is crying everyday and i just don't feel anything, i wish i did, but i can't sympathize with anyone. i feel numb and i wish this could be over. as for my dad, he hasn't felt sadness since his dad died, and he has been kind of a pain on us all, so idc about that asshole.

every minute feels like an hour, time is slowing rapidly, maybe because i wake up earlier than i used to, feeling like i was falling, sweating and on the verge of tears, i look around and realize i'm not where i wish i could be, in my room, with my messy double bed, cracked curtains, my mirror reflecting light onto my walls, my safe space. instead, i wake in a motel room, my parents snoring way too loud, brick walls, loud A/C, cracked curtains revealing too much light for comfort. i wish i could say i was homesick, but i don't have a home. every night when i lay down, i feel like i'm going to throw up or have a panic attack. my reflection has changed, my facial features look completely different to what they once were, eyes sunken and down turned, lips small and cracked, cheeks hollowed and ghastly, its a different me. it hurts to look at him, because when i see him, i feel like my young self, staring at current me in shock and displease, wondering what i did that made me so melancholic and empty. i'm so sorry, Jamee, i wish i could save you from this, shield your eyes from the monster i've turned myself into. i wish it didn't have to be like this, but just turn around and look at your innocent life, sink into it and let it swallow you whole, cherish it. let this be your only memory of life as i cock my gun and aim it to the back of your head. the little girl who never deserved it, forever dust in the wind, mist on the window. forever in time. 

the child i once was is dead now, and in her place is a pack of demons that lurk through my throat and head. i pray everyday that this hole they dug me in is temporary, one day i will make it out alive.

"in time i will leave the city, for now i will stay alive."