on people who chew loudly

Anybody else had the misfortune of having a friend who you care about a lot. They're a bestie, even. But you dread eating together for one simple reason.

They cannot seem to chew at a normal volume. Every time something enters their mouth it is chewed with the same visual pleasantness as an animal chewing cud. Their maw gapes open as they loudly chew, bits of food dribbling onto their shirt.

"Oh, whoops! I'm such a messy eater, haha!" They'll say this like its something cute and silly, not horrifying to behold. merely being in the same room with them as they eat is sickening. The smacking noises alone are propelled offensively into your ears at decibels rivaling planes taking off. They leave a mass of crumbs behind them at the table and you find yourself trying to think of any reason that you can reschedule a meal to "never."

No matter how many times you try to gently suggest they at least chew with their mouth closed, they only attempt it for a few minutes before reverting back to *SMACK SMACK SMACK, GULP, SMACKSMACK, CRUNCH, SQUISH, SMACK SMACK*

Possibly the most disgusting way to spend time with someone. Its the worst experience in the world. Not only do they spray crumbs in every direction with each sick chew, their mouth is inevitably crusted with the remains of their food escaping from the gaping pit on their face. Napkins are completely ignored by them. Food is only a means to revolt. Ugh.

To those reading this - take stock of yourself next time you eat. If you are one of those people whose eating habits would frighten a criminal, maybe consider moving to a cave and never emerging again. Thanks.

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Kes