What are my expectations (P.2) — and how I fail to fulfill them

***This is part two on how I disappoint myself and others.

My expectations:

• Graduate college
• Get a job
• Become confident 
• Lose weight 
• Make money

I know these expectations are superficial and pertain mainly to the surface level of one's worth. But — I'm tired of being told that I take up too much space because I'm poor, not conventionally attractive and fat. 

Of these five goals or expectations, I fulfilled ONLY one of them.

I graduated college in December 2021, and almost a year later; I'm still unemployed in spite of my many, many attempts of becoming employed.

But you would think with a year of sitting around, feeling like a burden on my family, (I still live with my parents & I use my savings to help pay bills and other household expenses), I would have taken advantage of being home and complete my other goals with exercising or learning skills that could benefit me by creating side hustles. And — you would be wrong. 

I'm still the same girl during high school, during college and now post graduation, I'm still socially anxious, poor, overweight and with low self-esteem. 

I kept thinking that once I get a job, I will have the resources to have my own place & opportunities. That's not the case, almost a year on. I continue to watch Ted Talks, register for seminars that specialize in freelance work, and how to make money on the side but I don't put those new skills into action.

I'm on every job site, LinkedIn, UpWork, Fiverr, WayUp and the list goes on and on but with no success. On one hand, I understand but on the other, I'm resentful of the fact that I have worked to be noticed and I'm still being bypass for another applicant. I wrote articles, produce & edit videos for newscast, but these experiences are limited to my college and internship experience. 

I was so focus on getting a job that everything else was pushed to the side. 

I am uncomfortable working out when I constantly being sabotaged by well-meaning people who aren't being honest with me such as my parents, siblings, and healthcare officials. This uncomfortable feeling of being judged one way or the other made it difficult to work out. Not to mention, this appendage of a self-loathing mother that claims that I'm dismissing her if I dare to do anything without her. I understand and acknowledge the unhealthy codependency that my mom and I have. However, it should be noted that this comes — as an coping mechanism as a result of a traumatic event — as a way to protect myself from an angry mother and a society that doesn't protect girls. 

This expectations are all interconnected. I have to be self-confident to workout to ultimately lose weight,  and the beliege that I would only be self-confident if I lost weight. Being confident would help me to get out of my shell to connect with recruiters and potential clients but since I don't have confidence, I ultimately don't have a job. Do you see what I mean? 

Perhaps, if I were to move out right now, I would be able to fulfill these expectations for myself but that move would open up a world of hurt because my mom would think I'm ashamed of her or that I'm somehow slighting her in some way. 

Anyways, I don't even have a car, let alone the money to afford my own place. 

But, it didn't need to be like this.

Even though, I graduated unexpectedly, one semester early in fact, this set me down a path that I'm not proud of — unemployed and living with my parents. 

I expected to graduate in May but due to financial aid issues, I had to leave. This brought on the feeling that I was being kicked out of college and not the feeling of elation that should have accompanied graduating college at the top of my class. 

I tried to make the most of the month that I had to prepare for the "real world." With connections, a professor recommended me for a position, I applied for the job and during the second round of interviews I was offered employment. That should have been it, but of course with my four siblings to the wind with their own lives and families and our mom suffering from poor health; I didn't take the offer.

I wanted to but I felt like no one would step up to help Mom and that me accepting a job five hours away would hurt my family in some way. Instead, I decided to hurt myself financially, socially and minimize my potential for others.

I can only blame myself for my weight, self-esteem issues, lack of money and poverty, for being unemployed and lackluster college career where I only develop academically, not socially. 

I tried to keep everyone happy by not rocking the boat. So, I minimized myself which has only harm my shine and didn't account for the turbulent sea that was already threatening to sink the ship. 

In the words of Terry Malloy played by Marlon Brando, in the film On the Waterfront, 

"I could have been a contender." ~ Terry Malloy

And — I will. I still have time to live for myself.

Today is October 21st, 2022 and everything I do will be done with intention from now on. 

• I will lose weight and develop confidence during my weight loss journey.
• I will get out of my comfort zone to connect with others, recruiters and potential clients to improve my financial situation with employment and other opportunities.
• I will become someone that I want to be and not who they want me to be.