Am I On Your Mind? 4

hello, I'm rarely on here but I come here to clear my thoughts. writing is actually the best therapy for anything. things are going great with me and this boy. except for I'm not feeling too great. I'm sad and I don't have a reason to be.

Hes extremely worried about me but I swear to him I'm ok. he even made me promise...although i promised I don't feel ok I feel like curling into a ball and just crying. but something that scared me was when he last replied "if I find out you're lying you won't like the outcome" I keep telling him I'm just tired. but he doesn't understand he even said he thought I'd be happier with him in my life. which kind of stabbed at me a little. because I was. I think Hes upset with me now, because I didn't open up and he thinks I don't trust him. what he doesn't understand is that I was never perfect, we can say I've been in a depressing stage for all last year and slowly starting to let myself go again.

 and this is not even about us. it's about me, and I'm scared I am going to ruin our relationship by being to problematic and even dramatic. I've been back and forth my whole life with being happy and sad. I'm scared he might break up with me. but I don't know I just everything to be ok. I want to be ok. 

I just pray God has my back. I feel really terrible I know I've hurt this boy already I'm such a bad person I really don't deserve him.