LIFE RANT

Right Now

I'm going through literally the worst depressive episode of my life and I'm considering dropping out of college. I want to become a writer and director but they're holding me back so much. I just want to at least become a production assistant for right now but I'm so overworked and miserable that I can't bear to spend my only free time on a 12-hour day I'm not getting paid for. 

I need real writing experience, I need real directing experience. I don't want to spend more than I already have to go in and watch ted talks and write essays about them. I don't want to write stupid speeches that I get shitty grades on because my professor thinks I have too much of an accent (???). I know it's the first semester but holy shit, it sure as hell does not get any fucking better from here. 

It's not like I can network with other aspiring filmmakers either. Everyone there is fucking impossible to keep a conversation with and so addicted to TikTok I don't even understand them anymore. I've never tried talking to someone and they actually awkwardly smile and run away. Somehow I've become a social reject among social rejects so go me. 

My ADHD makes it so hard to form any sense of what life path I should take. I don't know what is a genuine passion or what is a year-long hyper fixation. I know I want to be a director but I could not survive the process and development hell and trying to get things picked up by larger production companies. Honestly, I don't even want to give those companies my films. I know I deserve better. Hollywood would have so much potential if it weren't for nepotism. 

Right now, I'm going to make a choice that is stupid and I might regret later. I'm going to drop out of this stupid school and pave my own way to what I want to do. Nobody ever changed the world by going with the grain. Only dead fish swim with the current and I'm not a dead fish and I won't be. 

Bit of a rant LOL but I needed to get this shit out. Don't ask about my plans to become a director I'm not totally sure of them yet. I need a solid year to get a car at least, that's my first step.