becoming aware of being agender

when I was at the end of my bachelor's degree in art history at the end of last year, I realized that I had actually always been agender. It became clear to me when I was studying for my exam topic. It was about a prayer book from the Middle Ages (out of all things lol).

I wrote a poem about my experiences, some of which are still true today 🌟:

i have been at a loss for words for some time now.
i feel excluded from everything, namely from my body and the others. i stand powerless between them.
my ego is thinned out. it is almost impossible to grasp it.
i never found the solution, but it has always lain dormant within me. it is actually quite simple. why have i never noticed it? in the end, it's not worth asking.
this is where it began: With a prayer book about genderless angels.



agender
now i stand here



(the original is in german)

mir fehlen die worte schon länger.
ich fühle mich ausgeschlossen von allem. von meinem körper und den anderen. ich stehe dazwischen ohnmächtig.
mein ich ist ausgedünnt. mann kriegt es beinahe nicht mehr zu fassen. und frau auch nicht.
die lösung fand ich nie, aber schlummerte immer schon in mir. es ist eigentlich ganz einfach. warum habe ich es nie bemerkt? diese frage lohnt sich nicht.
hier ist, wo es begonnen hat:

agender
jetzt stehe ich hier