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the first love

the first boy i ever loved.

to keep anonymous i'll be changing the names of everyone i blog about. for this one, we'll call my first love.. Matt.

when i first met Matt we were just kids. have always went to the same school. he was a grade above me. the groups we hungout with included almost all the same people. which is how we actually met. him and i just clicked right away and always had that connection with eachother. now being young kids we never really entertained the idea of being boyfriend girlfriend up until we were a bit older.

here comes April of 2009 where we were both in highschool. we were hanging out just the two of us around our childhood town where he asked me if he could take me to homecoming. i was shocked but super excited that he asked me, of course, i said yes. i believe it was a day or two after him asking me to homecoming that he asked me to be his girlfriend. uhh.. yeah! of course i'll be your girlfriend!

things were going so well and i honestly just felt so comfortable, at home and things were just so easy with Matt. he was the absolute sweetest, kindest, well mannered person that i have ever met. he helped distract me from my home life and made me feel like the absolute luckiest girl in the world. he would go above and beyond every single day for me. i am still so thankful that i had him as my first love and he was the one who showed me what healthy love was.

then the day came where Matt would ask my father for my hand in marriage.. mind you, i'm about to be a senior in highschool at this point and he's already graduated. of course my dad said yes because my parents did love him. so.. we were engaged! it was the happiest i ever been in my life! i was going to marry my bestfriend and the person who's made me the happiest i have ever been.

soon though Matt would be heading off to bootcamp. things were going well in the beginning with the constant letters, phone calls when he could call me, etc. but me being young, being in love for the first time ever and not really understanding it, still struggling with my home life, being engaged in highschool and not fully understanding how to deal with him being gone at such a young age.. i stupidly ended things with Matt and broke off our engagement. i stupidly hurt and let go of the one guy who's shown me what true love is, who's showed me how i should be treated and the one guy who's always been there for me.

now Matt and myself have been on and off since then up until the beginning of 2010. and i honestly wish sometimes that i never stepped away from that relationship, engagement and our friendship. i guess you can say that once shit got really real with him being in bootcamp and me still in highschool.. i got scared. i didn't know how to handle all of it.

over the years we've talked here and there and had the occasional hookups.. the feelings are all still there for the both of us, but we've never entertained the idea of ever being back together in a relationship with one another. i believe we both may be scared after what happened while we were younger, which to me i understand and respect if he does feel that way. i mean i was that girl who left her fiance while he was in bootcamp for crying out loud. if i were him i wouldn't have talked to me ever again. so im super thankful that he still does!

i wish him all the best in his life and hope he can one day find someone who treats him just how good he treated me and who shows him the love that he showed me. he deserves all of the best and nothing less.

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