where it all started.

⚠ this can be triggering & a hard read for most ⚠

so i've been trying to think of how i really wanted to start this blog off.. do i start from my childhood or when i met the person who totally fucked me up mentally, emotionally & spiritually? but without some backstory into my life prior to meeting that person, maybe some of you wouldn't fully understand my way of thinking & why at times i did act out. so i guess we start from childhood.

due to a pretty bad concussion at a young age, i can't remember much from my childhood these days.. but i did also read that severe depression can also have a factor in why some people can't remember things. so who knows which if not both is having that affect to why my memory is absolute shit anymore.

 what i do remember and has always stuck with me though are all of the times when my parents chose buying cartons of cigarettes rather than using that money to put food in the house, cps constantly being called, having to temporarily stay with my grandparents due to how filthy my parents kept the house, having to constantly talk to cps workers and be physically checked out by them due to reports of my father physically hurting myself and sibling, all of the times they would leave us home alone for hours on end, all of the times they chose to leave my sibling and myself with someone who sexually assaulted us every single fucking time but yet they chose to ignore when we brought it up to them or my absolute favorite memory is when they kicked me out and then lied to our whole family and whoever else would listen and tell them that i just up and left in the middle of the night without telling them. 

get fucking real. i had nowhere to fucking go but yes i just up and fucking left my only means of "shelter". i honestly find myself hating my parents and yet when i voice that i'm always told "they're still your parents, you only get one mom and one dad" are you fucking kidding me? i just laugh and remove myself from the situation. because.. fuck that! no child should ever have to suffer from hunger, wondering if their parents truly love them, grow up in a filthy house, etc.

i could never imagine not believing a child when they say someone was touching them in their private areas. i could never imagine raising a child in a filthy home. i could never imagine making my child question if they are truly loved. i could never imagine choosing my own unhealthy habit over providing food for my child. i could never imagine kicking my own child out and then lying to try and save face. i. could. never.

i guess the only good thing that came from being raised in such a household is that i know now the right and wrong way to be a parent. whenever the time comes for me to be a mother.. i will be the best mother i can be. 

i still don't understand how it was so hard for my parents to keep a clean house. like when i tell you it was filthy i mean there was animal urine and shit everywhere, there was rotting food and dirty dishes just left anywhere. i was only 7 (earliest memory) and i should not have been worrying about picking up after my own fucking parents, i should not have had to take matters into my own child hands to try and keep up with housework, i should not have had to use a fucking shovel to try and get the animal shit off of the floors. it's no wonder cps was called on us so many fucking times. 

i often wonder at times why cps didn't take my sibling and i away. i actually remember praying they would. i know they smelled the house, they always seen there was no food in the house. i just never understood how my parents were able to get away with all the bullshit and still keep my sibling and i.

the times where my parents would purchase cartons of cigarettes instead of bringing food in the house is always a memory that pisses me off. when i say they bought cartons of smokes, i mean fucking cartons on cartons. i know where i live a single carton costs around $56 so lets multiply that by 5.. so that's about $280 spent on smokes that could have easily provided our household with more than enough healthy food for kids to eat back in '99. you can see why this was a slap in the face for a kid, right? it's even harder for me to swallow now that i'm an adult. the sadder part is that they received food stamps.. so where was all of the food? i'm starting to wonder now if they were selling their stamps for their smokes. but i highly doubt i'll ever know.

still to this day there's no remorse or apologies made from either of my parents to my sibling or myself. which, i don't look for really because i know it'll never come. they've never taken any accountability for anything honestly.

i believe i'm going to end this blog here today.. there's a lot more i haven't shared about my childhood but we will get into that on another day.  
if you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this and learning a little about myself. i understand this may have been a hard read.
but i truly do appreciate all of the support from you all!

♥