aching

im tired of making the same mistakes and hurting the same people, those who i love and value the most in my life. im tired of screaming at people and passing the blame to others when im in pain. im tired of being someone that needs to be taken care of. im tired of being a burden. 

i am aching, im hurting, the past couple of months in my life have not been the best. i would do anything right now to not be me, living in this body and waking up in this skin is doing so much harm to me, so much more than i can describe in words. i want to be able to communicate with people and treat them the way that they are actually supposed to be treated, i want them to feel loved by me and feel cared for. i don't want to be another sob story when there is nothing truly wrong with me. i don't have a bad family or bad friends, i have never had any serious trauma, nothing. im just bringing this on myself. 

why is it that when people are mentally ill that the only thing they want to do is get worse? we're all competing for that spot of who has it the worst. i think thats why im constantly self sabotaging, i need a reason to feel this way, or else, im just an asshole. 

i hope everyone is doing okay <3 my dms are open to all :)

;; 444 : protection, the universe and its angels are protecting you ;;

- ari <4!