so happy and so sad at the same time

10/26/2021

20:55

it was actually eventful today. i am just now home. took the car to the mechanic, then i went with my father and his wife to the record shop, book shop, and then dinner. i found a creepily adorable comic called Lenore. she is quite adorable and sassy and does not take jokes lightly. (her little boy pal did the what's up chicken butt thing and ended up with a chicken shoved up his ass.) i can tell this comic was loved immensely, so i must be extra careful with it.

my father also graced me with the vinyl of my favorite album of Julien Baker's. it is now my most cherished vinyl. she is such light, even if she is in the dark. she makes me so happy to find such a sound that makes me feel, while also making me so sad in her words. such peace. no one will ever understand. beautiful painful bliss. sad music is the best. it is accurate, one of a kind, and intense. moving. 

it reminds me that i need to find the She that is strong. i must remember and try to find Her, in all her forms. She and(in) i is what separates. i must remember rowan's words, for she is the most Sister of all. 

"there is the She who remembers, the She who overthinks, the She who tends the land, the rage, the grief. there is the She for the Sex and the She for the demons, a She for the art and a She for the end. the She who keeps them apart and a She that is meant to blend."

i must recognize each She and(in) i and i must learn to love all the Hers for She protects me.

if i can love Her, which with patience is every woman's fight, then She(I) is(am) strength. 

i am not religious. i am spiritual, though. and one thing i do think of in religion is the serenity prayer. it is truth in all even without the religion. i do not want to ask a higher power. i would as Her. i can always find her if i am present which it is impossible to physically leave yourself, of course. i would ask the She that is strong to remember and not the She who overthinks to worry about what i cannot change. i would ask Her to give me confidence to do what i will (if i want to) to the things i can change. i would ask her for the wisdom to know the difference, as to avoid exhaustion. especially when all i do is run myself to death. 

if i can find Her, she will one day become of me. if i grow to love Her in all her forms.

thank you for being here. i will write you again later.

all my love,

h.i.h.