Excited for Halloween 🎃

I'm actually excited for Halloween this year, I have even picked out a costume. Inspired by my zodiac — the Capricorn ♑️ — I have purchased a hairband that has rams antlers with purple and pink flowers attached to it. I will wear clothes in coordinating colors. 

But — I have to question my excitement for this year's All Hollows' Eve?

Nothing particularly excited is taking place. I'm still unemployed with only acquaintances as my closest friends so no parties to attend. I guess I will just get dressed up and take photos for Instagram that will get four likes 🙃. 

Being friendless isn't new to me, my last "true" friends were those from high school and as soon as we graduated we lost touch with one another. To be honest, that friendship was definitely one-sided with me being the only one making an effort. For instance, I will buy them presents for their birthdays but I had only received one card that set me on a path of body dismorphia.

The card had read "Just because you are one year older, doesn't mean you can throw in the towel. Trust me, no one wants to see that." I was in middle school. 

Other incidences include not being invited to hangout with them but I would always tell them about opportunities and ask them if they wanted to do it with me. The friendship hinged on being in close proximity and when I wasn't there, I didn't matter or exist. 

Then— in college, it was the same no one made the effort to invite me or befriend me and at that point I was tired of being the one to initiate conversations and invite people who didn't show up. 

I just feel like I reek of failure. I was always an average person, got average grades (As & Bs), average appearance, and average personality where sometimes I feel like I didn't develop one due to a strict upbringing that was coated in hypocrisy. "Rules for thee, not for me-"type of parenting. Now, I'm dealing with job rejection that reminds me that I am inferior to everyone else and that,,, I'm not really important or — special or — worth caring about because I will die in my own mediocrity. 

So — there is no point of remembering my name. 

With that being said, maybe I'm excited for Halloween because I get a chance — as cliché as it sounds — to be something I'm not. To be able to step outside myself for ONE DAY which will probably do wonders for my mental health. 

Anyways — Happy Halloween 🎃 and Happy World Mental Health Day! 🧠