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my fav CH&T quotes (CAMP HERE-AND-THERE SPOILERS)

will update with more quotes i like whenever, ordered chronologically
these could be anything from quotes that i relate to, ones that hit me different (it's mostly these), or funny ones. if it's good i put it here
text pulled from the official transcripts, which tragically are incorrect on occasion. any mistakes are no fault of mine

"Have you recently realized that you’re more mature than your parents even though you’re not yet old enough to live alone, so you have no choice but to accept the demeaning reality of taking care of your caretakers? [a beat of silence] Come pay us a visit and we’ll fix you right up!"

"I've always wanted to be killed by something that loved me."

"Jedidiah knew what love and care looked like."

“What’s one more head at the bottom of a lake, if it means one more day that he gets to live?”

"Don’t ever try to tell me I don’t care about him. I know I’m bad, but Lucille — you’re the worst."

"It’s- y’know it’s probably loads better than this [Chuckles] BAFFLING NIGHTMARE that we are all constantly living! Haha. Heh."

"But I feel like if I, bring you in close to me… I will bring you closer to something… terrible. "

"I wanted her to get angry. I wanted a fight. I wanted consequences. I… I wanted… it to matter."

"Yeah, the guy is a creep. But at least he wants anything to do with me. It’s been a long time… since… s-since I got to feel like that."

"I’m in hell. I’m in hell… I’m… in hell…"

"The structure is perfect. Tall… sturdy… flammable…"

"Ah, yes… the clock. Its face is the only safe way to view my reflection, you see, and at first I considered it a friend. Now I’m less certain. My heartbeat has synced up with the ceaseless ticking… and I hear it in my head, no matter how far away I wander… It measures my blood flow. It measures the rotation of the Earth. It tells me things I can’t know… can’t… know…"

"I’ve been watching, you know. Well, I’m sure you know. I know you know, in fact, but did you know that I know you know? Well, now you know."

"…You. You are the most divine thing I have ever laid my eyes on. "

"Fools… they’re all fools. Everyone who ever turned their eyes from your face, everyone who saw you but refused to say your name… fools. To think that even in this world, there are those who remain blind to the pristine, infinite truth of the beauty you alone possess… it boggles the mind and boils the blood."

"Worship is everywhere, dear. It’s the deepest, truest form of love."

"I pluck halos off of angels and melt golden calves in your name."

"Every time you make an attempt at observational humor, I taste blood."

"And truly, there’s no worse feeling than asking for comforting knowledge, and receiving a long, cold stare. But I wish you all the best of luck."

"Just because Joshua has an [Mockingly] actual medical degree,"

"I profusely apologize for the ways I’ve burdened you all. It won’t happen again."

"What a day, huh? The time is 25:25, and I am exhausted. Hahaa."

"It’ll be Christmas in June. Haha. Except not nearly as horribly violent as Christmas. Or as sticky." (🤨 /j)

"Sydney… I don’t want to lose you."

"You’re not suggesting that church taught you the difference between right and wrong?"

"I seriously want to understand why you care — about any of the things you care about. It-It’s frustrating for me. Most of the time, it’s like I don’t even exist to you. Then every once in a while I do some particular thing, and you randomly get on my case about it, an-and you don’t even explain why it’s bad."

"Do I? Do I know anything about what you do anymore?"

"And another thing. You’re allowed to keep secrets from me. No matter how much it distracts you from work, or from our relationship, or seems dangerous, your project is allowed to stay private. But you get to know everything about my life?"

"Then we’re back to day one. …Jedidiah, if you wanna convince me that I’m wrong, then convince me. I’m begging you to convince me. I have been for years."

"Cabin Widow Spider residents were, in a way, the first to discover this mold this morning… when they failed to wake up."

"Every child and counselor, to a one, was lying, still and stiff, in their bunks… and all of them had taken on a ghastly, veiny complexion."

"If we had allowed our colleagues and friends to sleep for any longer… Marisol might have opened that door and been met with an even more horrifying sight… "

"Trust me, being a bit paranoid is better than rotting alive."

"I do hope the joy of being reunited with your cherished possessions takes the sting out of fearing that you may be transformed into a living corpse if you, like, breathe too much."

"It’s not technically necromancy, on account of the fact that that’s no kind of life."

"Except the only pizza place that delivers out here is that horrible gimmicky themed restaurant that keeps the Christmas decorations up year-round, so… I hope none of you mind peppermint sauce!"

"You will meet with eternity, children; you will speak to the mother."

"I assure you that this deathlike state merely precipitates an incipient state of eternal life!"

"You’ll thank me when you’re eternal!"

"I figured you might resist. Boys? [Under his breath] I’ve always wanted to say that."

"Anyhow, Jedidiah brushed right past our new official Worst Counselor (congratulations to Joshua, by the way!)"

"Ohio’s favorite criminal against humanity…"

"[BREATHING FOR 20 FULL SECONDS]"

"Aaaaand for this afternoon’s campwide activity… a mold-growing contest. Okay, is this a sick joke!? Who plans these!?"

"There is something about life… makes you want to keep living it."

"Together, life and death are everything that is beautiful, and one without the other… is nothing at all."

"But that does not mean I will welcome death when it comes for me. It’s tried me plenty before… and when it does, I fight. No matter how hopeless I feel about whether any sort of happiness or peace may lie on the other side of that fight… I stay alive. We all stay alive. Not because we want to, but because we must. And will."

"I know why you walked. Why you reached out to touch. Who could ever blame you? You’re only human. But let’s try and keep it that way."

"This camp is officially host to life and death in equal and appropriate amounts!"

"Necromancy is… what? Impossible! What else? Illegal!! Any eternal life that any wannabe necromancer would try and offer you is bound to be a fate worse than death. Really, I think your parents should be teaching you this stuff, what with all the email scammers out there nowadays."

"Seems this strain of mold just turns us into zombies, like… interpersonally?"

"Also, reports indicate that Counselor Juniper, upon direct inhalation of the mold’s spores, displayed no noticeable change in demeanor or favorite topics of conversation. Make of that what you will."

"Umm… perhaps the smalltalk mold should be taken care of sooner rather than later… "

"I wanna cry. Goodnight, ghost recorder."

"Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: you’ve angered it."

"I’m here to get yelled at. You can’t expect me to be happy about it."

"This job you have, and especially the announcements, are not just your personal playground to fuck around in."

"I don’t tell anyone what to do. If I do, they don’t listen."

"I talk about what’s happening in camp, and no one listens to me, and that’s — all I do!"

"Last I checked, you and all the other counselors here can’t fucking stand me. And I get it. I know! I can’t stand myself either."

"Don’t call me intolerable to my face and then turn around and go holding it over my head how much you worry and care about me."

"Why are you acting like everyone here suddenly sees me as anything but a nuisance?"

"Christ, don’t you get lonely at night?"

"I miss you. ...I’m such a fucking idiot."

"These are pure UV rays bouncing around camp right now. They will peel you like a banana."

"Lucille has Jedidiah running tests on the chemical content of the river, so we’ll soon find out if it’s actually water."

"The pristine semicircular design smacks of manmade origin, but the kind of magic which would be necessary to carve a river into the Earth by force is the stuff of legend, and I seriously doubt anyone in Ohio can do anything like that."

"A problem which could be a lot more serious than magically generated rivers and birds with academic superiority complexes."

"This morning I spotted a shining silver fox in the middle of the camp — that is, a silver creature of the vulpine variety; not a handsome, aging man."

"They are as likely to catch her as they are to relent — which is to say, they will not. Do either of those things."

"Now, historically the only redeeming factor to these fellows was that they could not cross water. Some little caveat of their immortality, I reckon. They should’ve read the fine print."

"It seems they’ve somehow made it to America. Perhaps this means Britain is no longer an island?"

"Well, I don’t want to just toss the poor thing out there where it can keep getting harassed by those antique jerks! They’ve been chasing it around for centuries. Doesn’t it deserve to rest for a while?"

"Well. The prospect of that is horrific, but honestly, I’m on my third week without decent coffee, and I don’t rightly have the energy to try and stop you. Best of luck with this barmy scheme, old friend! Hope you don’t get us all killed."

"Remember, on top of your sun lotion you should apply a layer of spelling lotion — the lotion we all apply before we spell things, every single time. Goooood luck!"

"Welcome to food, campers! The sky is a blinding kaleidoscope, and all I taste is fire!"

"For the time being, Vixen Visitation is not available."

"As any two-bit park ranger could tell you, there’s nothing foxes find more intriguing and alluring than astronomy, and I figured that the silver fox would be no different, though she may be centuries old and from a completely different continent."

"She’s faced with an eternity of torment and it’s not even about her. She’s just a hapless tool. And she gets no say. She doesn’t get anything at all. Everything in her life is just overwhelmed by pain, and fear, and the never ending struggle to avoid it."

"In first place, Cabin Magpie Moth resident Bryce Negley, who won with the word [SO MANY DIFFERENT WORDS LAYERED OVER EACH OTHER IT’S UNINTELLIGIBLE]!"

"Then, in second place, Cabin Tarantula Hawk resident Scranz Gregcktson, who managed to spell [LENGTHY SUCCESSION OF CLOWN HONKS] without breaking a sweat!" (best quote in the series actually /hj)

"And, in third place, Cabin Silkworm Resident Treebart McMann, who wowed us with her unconventional spelling of [INDISCRIMINATE CAVALCADE OF RANDOM NOISES]!"

"And, of course, I will now list some of the most grisly injuries sustained in this year’s spelling bee."

"And in third place, Cabin Tarantula Hawk resident Lizabet Strange, who straight-up apotheosed into godhood right there on the stage. This would be higher on the list, except for that she pulls this trick every year. It’s time to diversify, buddy!"

"You could meet a demon! Or worse, a human!"

"Help us stand out against our nearby rival camps! Of which there are, of course, none. Yet."

"I couldn’t quite make it out, but I think he said something about horse divorce and a very amused bush."

"The penguins have abandoned us."

"And I did say fugitives, plural — not only is their prized fox in my care, but Jedidiah has also earned their ire after attempting to inform them that there is no longer a British Empire, and now they’re threatening to execute him for slander and treason. "

"WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU — OVERDRESSED, OVERCOOKED FRAT BOYS!? THIS IS A SUMMER CAMP, NOT YOUR BACCHANAL!! [COUGH COUGH] I KEEP TELLING YOU, THE FOX IS NOT HERE!!!!"

"But the second and more important thing that I realized was that I was not the good guy here."

"Which made me no better than whatever sick Brit spun this curse in the first place."

"You’re our camp penguins! Come back!!"

"AAAAAND for this evening’s activities, we’ll be celebrating the brutal cycles of nature with a game of Pain Telephone."

"I’ll see you tomorrow. And the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after that… and the next day after th[CLICK]"

"I’m cursed to find freakishness endearing."

"Instead of a ringing noise, the bell will emit precise instructions on how to prevent the early death of one of your loved ones, in a clear, androgynous voice which speaks your native language."

"My muscles are like violin strings!"

"We live to see the next calamity. :)"

"So please, campers, rest right and rest well… for there is nothing so privileged as the feeling of true, deep, rest…"

"You can’t expect me to just sit around, content with knowing nothing anymore! Whatever you don’t want to tell me… it’s ruined our relationship. I-I kind of feel like it’s ruining my life. At this point… I just need to understand what the hell is happening to me. "

"You’re the one who doesn’t care about your own safety, b-by your admission."

"You’re the reason I’m unhappy enough to say that!"

"Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: legally, I am alive."

"Two hands per person… two hands per clock. Now there’s a pair of hands that are never empty: they carry knowledge."

"All the while, I lived in his voice, staring at the hands of the clock and the starlight they held, letting his tired murmur massage the wrinkles in my brain."

"I remember why I’m here. I want to cry."

"Sorry, I’m not sure how to do eggs, yknow? They’re, like, really hard :("

"I would join you all in this drill, but I’ve unfortunately been unable to astral project for a few years. I could do it fine back in college. I was great at it, in fact! But somewhere along the line, it’s become so hard for me. It’s like my soul and my body refuse to separate… "

"Crying until I’m too tired, and then crying a little more, wishing I could turn it all off and sleep."

"And poor Tammy Teeth reported a vision so grotesque it even curdled my bones: the sight of herself… in France."

"I tried joining in at one point, as you kids should recall, unless you were too dosed up on bad omens to notice."

"Nightmare Powder is always a delight — it’s so funny to watch the fumes struggle to conjure anything worse than what I’ve actually been through. Hua-ha! HA! [Cough]"

"I’d say I’ll get the hang of it eventually, but let’s not kid ourselves, I’ll never be him."

"You’d be our greatest assets in a psychic war!"

"There will be Jedidiah!"

"But I’m me, so I’m ready for whatever my brain could conjure up!"

"[HE BEGINS TO HUM THE ICARLY THEME SONG.]"

"Haha… I feel so fuckin’ weird. It sucks!"

"What… what the fuck is happening to my brain? [HE BEGINS TO HYPERVENTILATE AND CRY.] Where the fuck am I? I — I — I need to get out — I NEED TO GET OUT — !!!"

"Your activities for the morning are falling over and standing back up."

"The time for sleep is yet to come!"

"This afternoon’s activities are… circles. Lunch is The Beast: we finally got him."

"[Sniffs with suspicion]"

"Tonight’s activity is catching fireflies in a jar and using the glow to lure out the beast- what oh wait, they finally got him already. Actually. So uhm. How about in-cabin socialization, huh?"

"Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Dear god. How it rages."

"In accordance with the terms of my employment, I’m dying on the fucking cross for you two again. Fifth time in two Summers, guys."

"Auuughhg."

"It was ambient music from the Skyrim soundtrack."

"You guys have always had issues like this, and you always avoid them until they blow up in your face. Why do you do that? Why can’t the two of you just talk things out?"

"Sydney is… he’s hard, he’s hard to know and hard to care about."

"Sydney is more than just a burden. I — love him. I don’t want to lose him."

"The thing that you’re doing wrong here is keeping Sydney in this weird friendship-limbo."

"If you aren’t willing to act like someone’s friend, then it’s wrong to feed them false hope that you might still have a connection with them."

"His life, his parents, the circumstances of his birth, have left him… have… have left him without the resources or ability to take care of himself, and he hates that more than I do, and it’s not his fault, but he needs me. He needs me, and I love him. I love him… more than anything, and I cannot do that to him."

"[OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE] [OUR MUSE]"

"Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: [WHEEZE]."

"For the rest of the Summer, I won’t be leaving again… of my own free will."

"For hours afterwards, the revelry proceeded, everybody chanting, dancing, singing, screaming, writhing, shaking one another by the shoulders… all for the worship of an idol you don’t even know by name."

"No true savior would take away your freedom to choose salvation."

"I knew it was too good to be true. Jedidiah, but I hoped anyway."

"--for once it felt like someone could seriously love me without… using me for something… which is true and equal, but that was a lie. It’s all a lie."

"I’m realizing you can be loved and hurt every fucking minute of it."

"I’m sick of it and I’m sick of everything including my own body which is SICK of me too and… what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?"

"After everything you’ve done, I wonder why half the time I believe that you don’t care."

"I… wanted so badly to believe you were fine. I wanted to believe it was all over… that I wouldn’t have to ruin any more…"

"What do I break now? Sydney, at this point… what do I do?"

"Tally hello, assorted breakfast-wanters."

"I’d say the moon should be whatever she wants to be, and to hell with the ties that bind her."

"Ahhhhh, to overthrow nature…"

"I reassure you that I’m still looking after them — look, I’m waving through the window! Do you see me?"

"Then you stood there, holding hands and chanting as if… well, I’m not sure I want to guess. [HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]"

"We’ve clawed our way to another lunchtime, and it may have left our fingers bloody — but hey, what are forks for?"

"By the way, with regard to the people who have started pranking the Splendid Advice Unicorn by playing him recordings of his own advice back at him,"

"H-Ha… haha… have you ever been… so scared you wanted to run… but so drowsy you couldn’t if you tried? It’s a… it’s a unique experience. Would…. would recommend."

"Look at the… little stains and cracks in the linoleum tile… haha. That one’s shaped kind of like an aardvark."

"He’s still here… [Growing a bit panicked] he’s just looking at me… where… is everyone? Am I alone… ? No one’s coming… where’s Jedidiah? Someone… help me… I’m alone with him… he’s just looking at me!!"

"Natsume’s got something in his arms… a big jar of… ultraviolet, glittery powder? Is that… nightmare powder? Yes. Oh, shit."

"[THERE IS A CACOPHONY OF NOISE: TERRIBLE, CHAOTIC NOISE. CHILDREN AND ADULTS BEGIN TO SCREAM IN A RISING CRESCENDO. THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS, SMASHING AND CRASHING; ALL MUFFLED BY THE WALLS]"

"EY! GOT A PACKAGE ‘ERE FOR, EHH, UHHHhhh… [Botching the pronunciation ] JED-DID-ID-IAH!"

"I dunno. Jed-die-did-dia’s a stupid name for an ugly loser. This guy is only one of those things."

"Did you see Sydney? On your way in here? That’s all you need to say. Did you see Sydney?"

"YER PACKAGE, YA QUACK!" (fun fact: gianni matragrano /srs)

"I guess I’m hoping that if I die tonight, you’ll feel motivated to listen to this. I don’t know."

"So now I’m in the forest… trying to kill a priest."

"So… I ordered a handheld mirror. When the time is right, I’ll hold it up to his face and pray."

"And remember: They call it a “heartbeat” because your heart looks like a beet! Like the vegetable."

"Death and pain bears down upon us from all sides — the clouds strike us where we stand, the rivers flood our homes, the smoke chokes our lungs, the bees feast upon us… every day is a living fucking nightmare!"

"But I have the answer! I can save you! I can show you the way to be spared and forgiven by this life… would you like to know the secret?"

"The secret is to dredge up all the mushy red meat of your tired heart and set it alight with passion for the one thing in this wretched world which deserves it."

"Bow to your knees and praise the Muse, and you will never again have your flesh torn by the ravenous Earth!"

"I will now remove my mask. Prepare, followers… a vigor will flow through your veins such as you have never known…"

"Why am I here? Dear Architect, I never left!"

"I didn’t! For years — and years, everything I’ve done has been… for him. About him."

"And Jedidiah Martin, the traitor, the temptor, he looked upon our muse in this perfect state — he saw him — and then he stood — and he walked away."

"You think you’re some, some kind of — paragon of divine truth — God damn it, you don’t know anything! You don’t understand a single thing about what you’ve seen, you don’t know a single thing about me, and you know the least about Sydney!"

"[Deadly serious, utterly horrified] Oh my God."

"Okay, listen, this is not a game anymore. You can’t read that. You cannot read that. Especially not out loud, do you hear me!? You will die. Everyone here will die!"


"Sydney! Fuck, Sydney, can you hear me right now? The kids are in danger!"


2 Kudos

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