tw for mental health discussion

when i went to the doctor seeking a referral for a psych ward, and nowhere would take me, i had high hopes that increasing the dosage of my antipsychotic would help. it did help.

it helped because i no longer have the willpower to want to kill myself. i'm tired, but i don't want to die.

it helped because it gave me just enough care for my wellbeing to recognize that, if i didn't do the cooking and the cleaning, i would get kicked out. i'm tired, but at least the house is clean.

it helped because i can't produce tears to cry anymore. all i can do is stare at the wall and hope that i get distracted long enough to forget. i'm tired, but i'm not crying. 

i still want your attention but i'm too self-absorbed to seek it out. i would kill to make you feel like you made me feel but i have to be the bigger person because i physically can't be the smaller one. i'm still dropping hints and posting stories and checking if you see them. let's hope your girlfriend doesn't find out that you told me i'm the hottest person you've ever met and that you've had a crush on me since we were 13. let's hope my sister doesn't find out that you dated her when we were 14 because i was unattainable in your eyes. 

god forbid the world find out you like fat, hairy, autistic butches. you keep coming back to me though so that counts for something. i won't cry, and i won't wallow in my pity, and i won't be suicidal. because i'm tired, but i can't care anymore. it's just no longer in my code. <3