misty eyed child

Sitting in the rain. The droplets on the car window glisten in the street lights, infinitely racing to the bottom of the glass. The comfortable snug of my headphones over my ears muffling the sounds of water clanking against the roof. A riff of sad rhythms buzz through my ears, lightly dusting my heart strings and ever so slightly making my heart ache. My mind sketching pictures of lovers dancing in the downpour 5 feet in front of me, separated by fogged up panes. My future is being painted for my eyes to ponder over, desperate for a taste of new life. Frozen in time, only ever in the same place, not moving forward though it's what I dream of. Smoke slithers its way up my face and through my nostrils, I look down as I remember the cigarette between my sore, bruised knuckles. I lift it up to my mouth and take a painstakingly long drag, ash starting to form around the end. I let the smoke swirl out the corners of my lips as a sigh escapes me. My mind is so numb that not even the melancholic piano playing in my ears can make me tear up, it frustrates me that I can't feel anything. I just want to cry, I want to fully break down because even though the mental pain is more hurtful than anything, it lets me know I'm alive. That I'm human. That the cogs and wires in my body still whir and tick. I don’t feel human. I’m not alive. I’m nothing.

As the real world keeps spinning, my world repeats itself. I’m forever stuck in a purgatory I've created.