depressed

I forgot how incredibly depressed i actually am. It hit last night how sad and generally lonely i feel in my day to day life. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about it so i feel like I'm stuck screaming in the void because i don't wanna be a bother. i don't wanna go back to therapy because being too honest gets you thrown in the hospital.  i don't wanna die or anything, i think I'm just sad more than anything nowadays. i have such bad mood swings due to my pd and it cant be fixed with anything but mood stablizers, something that i cannot get right now. i have so much wrong in my brain and i feel so alone in this world. its like this world is massive and i am 5inches tall being forced to navigate it on my own. 

i spend all my time alone in a dark room in front of my computer. its 22:34 right now and instead of being with my family and watching tv or whatever, I'm upstairs blogging on spacehey about how sad i am. its really pathetic when i think about it. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like everyone would be better off if they never met me because I'm just so pathetic. I'm always hiding behind humor to mask my sadness and no one ever takes me seriously. my art isn't taken seriously, nor is my music, and neither are my vents. my poetry isn't taken seriously either and it hurts. i do stuff for fun but also to get out of my head and it just hurts when no one takes me or what i make seriously. 

id feel so much better if i had people to hang out with, if i weren't a shutin, if my life was generally different. i like being me but i struggle with an ed, several mental illnesses and several physical issues that make life incredibly complicated to navigate. i feel so alone. i just want a friend who will always hang out with me, no one ever has the time for me that i have for them and it sucks. no one notices how i feel even if i say it over and over again. no one cares that much. i care for everyone and I'm always there for everyone but no one extends that same curtosey to me. its like, i have this one friend, and i constantly check in on him. he doesn't check in on me much anymore. i dunno how i feel about it.