Rambling About My Social Failure

I went out with my sister and her friends today. I enjoy the company, but I can tell I am not part of the group. Anytime I want to speak, I must do it three, four times over and maybe half of them will listen. Even my sister is guilty of this when she is among them, and I consider her to be my one true friend. I feel I am partially to blame, though. My comments are usually left-field, and I only join them occasionally.

This is something that has permeated my entire lifetime. After my isolation, I fear it has become worse. When I first started college, I was meeting and interacting with more people than I had in years. But it didn’t stay that way. It never does. My autism and depression caught up to me and I could barely leave my dorm room for food everyday. When I hung out with them later on, I could feel their separation from me. They were much more receptive to others than to me. From a logical perspective, it makes complete sense. They would obviously prefer to be around those they are more familiar with. I did not interact with them as often. I was unable to give them that amount of time. That did not change the jealousy and sadness I felt in those moments. 

I remember resenting my sister for many years because all the kids in our neighborhood and school favored her over me. I would always wonder why it was so easy for her and everyone else but not me.

I often feel I am unfit for any relationship. I isolated myself for a majority of my high school years trying to convince myself that I am content with being alone. It is a lie. Humans are social creatures. I ache to connect with others. 

Despite this, i come to despise anyone who takes interest in me. I come to hate everything they say or do, that they even exist. It’s such cruel irony. I wish I wasn't this way. I truly do.