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Category: Life

Virtual Diary Log 13

Let's talking about something on my mind currently. I hate the way I look, but I hate putting work towards something that won't happen instantly. Like my body for example, I've gained a lot of weight since having a child. And I haven't done much to decrease it. The only reason I'm barely eating right now is because we don't have money for food and the food we do get goes to our daughter first, my husband second and then maybe I'll get some. It's really hard and sometimes I just wish I didn't have to eat to stay healthy. I know I could balance my meals better and not really have to cut out a lot, but we never have money. I really hope this move changes everything. I hope this move means that we can save money better, I hope this move means a clean start. That maybe my husband will want to go to the gym with me and us help each other stay in shape, even if he is the blessed one with a high metabolism. I hope our daughter has one too so she never has to deal with the pain of being fat. I hope my daughter gets to live life without much worry. I know looks are overrated in today's society but it does matter no matter how much we fight it. People care and judge how you look.

Anyways, I'm sorry I went on a rant there. So back to the former. I literally can't look at myself in the mirror from the neck down or I will have a mental break. I hate the way I look and I want to change it but if I'm being honest, I want to change it over night. I don't want to have to diet and exercise for the rest of my life. Maybe once I actually love myself for me, I might actually want to work out and eat healthier but also maybe that is my problem. I keep thinking of well if I do this then maybe I can do this and etc. I need a therapist. Who will just see me because I need answers and I need someone to see me. And not a therapist who will only see me because of money,  not that I have any to give anyways.

I'm logging off today. I'm stuck in a rut and honestly, typing it out isn't making it better like it normally does. 

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