"do you think i'm spooky?"

sometimes i wonder if i'm a bad person. not by principal, but just on accident -- i wonder if i'm not the person i should or could be. and i think that's natural, right? it's natural to not know what the hell you're doing and wonder if you're the worst person on planet earth or if you're just almost-nineteen?

i think it is. but that doesn't stop me from wondering.

i've been watching the x-files. i've seen most of the first couple of seasons already, i used to watch it a lot with my mom -- both when i was younger and, during quarantine we watched it together. we only really stopped because she stopped having the time and, boy, isn't that a life story? but maybe that's a little bitter for self-imposed restless nights. (i'm sorry, mom)

i told myself at 2am, "oh it's only 2am, i can stay up a little bit," and then because i hate myself, it's two hours later and i'm half-asleep writing this, because my brain's just wired enough that i can't fall asleep. and who's fault is that, huh?

(mine. it's mine.)

anyway, yeah, x-files. the most recent episode i watched was s1e17, but i can't stop thinking about s1e14, genderbender. if you don't mind spoilers for a show that's almost thirty, the basic plot of that episode is there's a shapeshifting serial killer on the loose who has more-or-less magic attraction powers -- explained as "the deliberate use of potent pheromones" but like come on, it's magic -- and is using those powers to, you guessed it, rob and kill people. they shift back and forth between a man and a woman each night to avoid being caught. at first glance that sounds more like a supernatural episode than an x-files episode but wait! there's more!

it turns out that this shapeshifting genderbending (bisexual because they go after men and women) serial killer is actually an ex/escaped member of a "religious cult" that's basically just amish people. so, amish shapeshifting genderbending bisexual serial killer. named martin. but wait, there's more!

after mulder & scully investigate a little bit, mulder ends up seeing these amish-esque people do this weird ritual thing where they cover this dead guy in weird clay ?? and then he comes back to life, but looks like a woman. so all of these amish people are shapeshifters, and we find out via a co-current scene with scully that all of them also have weird sex magic. but wait, there's more!

the episode fucking ends with the fbi going after all these amish shapeshifting genderbending sex magicians and backing them into, more or less a corner. so you think they're gonna catch them, right? wrong. they get away "somehow," and then the final fucking shot of the episode is a wide-shot pan out of a crop circle in a wheat field, dubbed over with mulder & scully talking about how "they couldn't have gotten away, there was nowhere to go" "nowhere terrestrial...." and then it just fucking ends, roll credits, roll type-writer font.

it made me lose my fucking shit. the entire episode made me lose my mind a little because i just wanna know what in the fuck was going on in that writer's room. who approved that & who rushed the ending like that, i have so many fucking questions.

and the funniest fucking part is that b/c in the first season there really aren't any ep spanning arcs, it's more episodic with small thread-line details, they just fucking move on with their lives. a bunch of shapeshifting genderbending amish sex wizards perform a cult ritual in front of one of you & try to bang the other, and you just move on with your lives like nothing happened. fucking incredible.

^ absolutely none of that is a knock on the show btw i sat through 14 seasons of supernatural, i can never judge a piece of media ever again, but i just cannot stop thinking about it. absolutely off the fucking wall plotline.

anyway, it's now almost 4:30am so i should probably at least try to get some sleep? and if you're reading this right now at the exact same time, you should too.

xo,
-patch