im just a baby

I walk the stars for miles a day

You hate me 

Im trying to stay out of your way

Im just a baby

I was born last night

Evil malicious

Awful and vicious

Im just a baby

I was born last night

good 8:58 PM to all my wired and beating hearted best friends,

i've been in my room all day... some might say 'rotting' but i would say im in my goop era. metamorphosizing in my cocoon and shit. the world isn't fun right now. lately ive been thinking about how the tools and senses we have to perceive things are so limited. words are so small and confining and restricting. like. we r so much more than bodies but our bodies are our only vessels of expression?? like what. what do you call a feeling that there is no word for? can i make up my own word for it? drop ideas for new feelings in the cmnts

i talked on the phone with my best friend whos been away at college for a month or two now. so much has happened to her. she told me things i never really thought i'd hear. not bad things, just weird changes. weird people and events, decisions she's making that make me realize i dont know where or who i am. like!!?? what is going on. i miss her. i love her but she doesnt know how much. dont tell her ok!!

thinking about how theres colors we cant even process. the sky isnt even blue FR. how am i supposed to believe in the things i cant see... if i cant even believe in the things that i can see? dont answer that its rhetorical

when im bored i come up with new names and personalities for myself. i imagine im someone different altogether. i imagine how i could simply just become that person if i really tried. you can be anything if you just try or you can at least get pretty close. i think thats crazy. like how much you really can change your physical exterior via clothing alone. each day could be a new life. today, scum of the earth. tomorrow, magician. the next day, a vulture. a clown. a baby. i could be anyone. i could be you. sfx prosthetics exist. we arent even our bodies! what is that

today i made a grilled cheese and then !!thirty seconds!! later got a call that it was time for me to pick up my car from the dealership. and. i had to go immediately because they closed in less than twenty minutes.

 :,)

by the time i got home my grilled cheese was cold. i dont care, i still ate it. not that its related but i dont care about a lot of stuff that i think i should care about. the detrimental psychological effects of trying to be the cool girl for years!! ew... trying to take up the least amount of emotional space possible. so careless that it reads as confident. i hated being the funny friend. its so highschool and quiet and demeaning??

i cry a lot now lol

sometimes i cry just because im bored. i think of sad stuff just to feel things. im not even a particularly numb person anymore, i feel plenty and make sure to regularly let my emotions out. i think im just entertained by grief. i think (sometimes) its pretty and inspiring and important and comforting. its something we'll always know. sometimes it can feel good to just be upset. 

im still grappling with most things that have happened to me. getting better now for sure, but turns out, not caring (cool girl) isnt an actual thing! its just called keeping everything inside. like, every tiny thing you should be upset about but aren't is another drop in the bucket and it just builds and drops and drops and drops until you cant keep anything in anymore and you just spontaneously combust, spewing- no, VIOLENTLY EXPLODING your star guts and space blood all over the walls and all over your loved ones.

sometimes i think im just a baby in an aging body. 

if you can relate send me a friend request, a message. your heart in a sealed envelope.
forget me not.

love me always.

sin d