Being Left Out |

I, was always left out. At some point, I've gotten used to it. or I think I have? I like to claim that this stuff doesn't bother me anymore but I know, you know, that it's not true. Whenever I feel that slight feeling (that I won't explain because I'm lazy) it hurts so bad. I've always been the weird one out yet still a part of the majority which at one point, made me start to really like with the idea of being a minority. Imagine having a group of people who are all the "weird one out"'s, what a dream. None of the "minority" groups accepted me, even the friend group that's known for being bullied for being weird and queer doesn't accept me.

About being weird, I like to believe that geniuses get left out so I must be really smart, right? Then the second theory suggests that I'm just... well, weird. Nothing more, just weird, funny and mockable. Average, yet still so awkward. I'm not socially awkward actually, in fact I talk a lot with everyone. I've always been really energetic, constantly talking about all that I can think of. Maybe that's what made people dislike me this much.. I talked too much. I was too much "myself". I only had one best friend who was by my side all the time. Kudos to her. All the girls at my summer camp would wear these cute, pretty bikinis and colorful towels, when all that I brought was my purple swimsuit which I've had for many years, and my basic green towel. At the time I didn't see what was going on, I didn't even realize I was being left out. I was so optimistic and friendly that my simple young mind couldn't comprehend why people could not like me. (I also got physically harrassed multiple times during elementary but nothing was done and no one was punished.) I was practical, not pretty. Comfortable, yet ugly clothes. Not that we were poor, I was born into an upper class neighborhood to a slightly rich family. I mean yeah the economy here currently sucks ass so we can't buy anything but it wasn't always like this obviously. As I grew up, especially when I started middle school and got more and more conscious about the past and the future; I became emo. It was expected, it was obvious. Left out, try-hard, obviously turned out emo. I was still very full of energy, just thick eyeliner and black band tees over black-white striped long sleeved shirts and playing some guitar. I was trying to be 'normal', I kept trying to talk to people, but I started to realize how much people stayed away from me. The first boy I liked ripped apart my drawing and made fun of it. I was kinda violent so I ended up breaking his arm by jumping on him but he deserved it, I don't care. I did many things in these years, hobbies and experiences. I tried doing windsurfing! I improved so much that I almost did it to nationals!... until I didn't. Why? My team hated me. I couldn't understand why. They never helped me, they always interrupted me. My attempts to talk were so petty that I stopped completely. I had to quit no matter how much my coach begged me not to, the bullying had gotten to a terrible point where they had made a whatsapp groupchat named "windsurf club group (without mattia)", so i quit. Thankfully, ice skating is much more easier to me. I learned to fit in, changed myself to fit in. No, I don't regret it. I'm still me, I just changed. It was my personal decision, I was tired of getting bullied so I found this solution. I'm happier this way, my interests are stlil weird but you wouldn't know if we're not close friends. Unfortunately, my secret kept spreading so now the entire school knows how much I like Mozart but there's not much I can do about that now, I know people will forget about it in a month or two; it's high school anyway. Man, it's high school, and I'm sick. I gotta rest so I can do well in exams next week. Sighhh...