Life Update 27/09/22

Well fuck it's been a while since I've written one of these. Expect no quality.

Back in college. It's boring. I'm always so tired regardless of sleep. I'm downward spiralling mentally into something i can't see but I know I'm changing. I'm dying to create but I have struggled with ideas for a long time. What can I write lyrics about? How mundane this life is and how I've had to fight to still be here. There's no interesting words to talk about that.

I now have a job. Yes my life is still ruined by chronic fatigue. The thing is, if I deal with the aches for hours on end because I have to, then it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It's really my legs taking the damage. Fucking hurts though walking there and back. (It's bar work and they could treat me better). Unfortunately I can't just ignore my pain unless I'm forced to deal with it for hours so I've still hardly touched my guitar. My skill has basically reset anyway and fuck is it such a hard instrument, let alone what it does to my wrist with this disorder. Hsvent even played a lot of bsss either.

Summer was terrible. I don't have a friend group just random friends scattered about. I did go camping once but it was a 5/10 trip. Aside that, PS4. All day every day. A lot of Black Ops 3 zombies. Can't stand the game any more. I wanted to write more music but no lyrical inspiration. Still saw my day every weekend, would get high as fuck, and just go back home to more fucking video games because nobody would wanna come out to just meet and chill. 

Tbh it's probably something like borderline personality disorder I'm dealing with here. I'll never know maybe till I turn 18 because camhs forgot about me. All i know is that I've lost my sense of self. I barely know me. I've changed a lot and I just don't have any connection with my appearance like I used to. It just should never have been me. Not in the trans way in the general human way that's just not me even as a girl. If you asked me what me should be, i couldn't even answer that, so how do I know what's wrong?

Now I'm playing fortnite, playing the PS1, making instrumentals and doing nutmeg because it's somehow a psychedelic in large amounts.