9/25/22

its.....been a while....ive been thinking about updating this almost everyday but never seem to find the time for it. I have been craving to write for a while, but instead of using my journal i find this to be funner :D. I have so much to say. SO many thoughts in my head its getting crowded, so hopefully this helps. I really feel like this is a safe place for me considering nobody can see this, well strangers can but sometimes its nicer to converse with strangers than the people in your life...yk? Well anyways ahh im stalling. How did i manage to stall while writing ._. maybe i should delete that....but yea let me think of what's new....my memory doesn't go that far back tbh so i can't remember everything since my last update but as of lately... i saw one of my good friends a few nights ago. I hadn't spoken to her in a while, even though our friendship is usually like that. But I did have a really good talk with her and it felt good, i got a little emotionally cause she's such a good person that i felt guilty for feeling bitter. I realized i never talk about myself with her...she has to much going on in her life..why does she need to hear about my baggage? i just try to be there as best as i can and i always try to make sure she knows that. We know we have eachother but are also aware of our other parts of our lives... sometimes i hate it and i noticed i started to grow bitter and jealous. i always notice she ends up making new friends or finding a best friend she'll hangout with almost everyday and part of me wants to be that person. But im not sure.. there's something in me that just never allows me to be that close to anybody...since my old best friend. Speaking of her... i got a text today from her inviting me to her baby shower. Who would have thought. I've been thinking about her all day tbh. Thinking about how close we were and how much i loved her...i think she's the first person i became dependent on, and her forcefully being taken from me forever hurt so bad. Of course the circumstances were bad and it was for the best...im being a little selfish when i say forcefully. ever since she left I've heard and seen she is in a much better place, better friends, better family, better boyfriend. All the things i wanted for her and im so glad. Its just sad to think im not apart of it anymore like i used to. I think ill go to her baby shower...i do want to go a bit out on the gifts just to show her one last time how much i still care and love her. I have been feeling extremely empty as of lately. i really hope it goes away...i think prolonging all my emotions for so long caught up to me but it won't come out. its such a weird feeling to describe. My dad gave me a hug today. I met someone a few months ago and for some reason i feel really comfortable around them. But i don't like to talk about myself so much, i sometimes regret it when i do because i don't want to be a burden. its a feeling i can't escape, whether they think so or not. They tell me im not and that they care. Why would they care. What reason is there to care. idk. I wish i could have met them when i was better. i don't like being like this. I also am having trouble talking to my friends, i just hate showing people that i don't feel okay cause its not their job and responsibility to make me feel better by any means. But i do try my best to remind them that i care about them and checking up on them...nobody needs to feel like this, or lack of feeling. idk. anyways im saying way too much ughhh. i think this is it for tonight.