muscle memory

last night I realized that

I've begun to feel comfortable with the pain.

I'm not sure when it started

but every day is the same

a set routine of hurt

that I've gotten so used to that I don't really remember what it feels like

to smile.

I guess I've felt like that for a lot more than a while

it has become muscle memory to be numb,

don't feel anything because if people see what’s really going on in your head

they'll hover over you like hawks

and give false hope in the form of meds

until your muscles tense up and are forced to stretch like a rubber band ready to snap.

I've gotten comfortable with the feeling of pain.

I'm pretty sure it started

when everything went grey.

but I'm not sure when that was because I don't remember anything past yesterday.

so although it is muscle memory to be stuck at rock bottom

with no hope of climbing up

I don't have any memories at all.