Heartbreak and sadness

Tomorrow is the first day of fall. It's the season of letting things go. It's the season of shedding that which no longer serves us. The season of change, and then rest. The season to turn inward and connect with who we really are to learn what we might need. It's always a hard one for me, to let go of summer and all of the growth, but sometimes we become overcrowded or shaded by things that have outgrown us. It's hard letting those things go. This time, it's particularly difficult for me. I am heartbroken. I hate expressing myself in this way, but it's no good to me to keep it inside. While things weren't perfect, as they never are with the human experience, they were everything else. They were good, bad, happy, sad, fun, boring, exciting, maddening, and the whole gamut of human emotion. Most significantly, they were filled with love. I can't entirely account for what happened when things were bad. I have my thoughts about it, but that's not much without action. I tried to have a good influence, but maybe it was the combination of just who we are that didn't work out. I have a hard time believing that. There were flaws. I have mine. You have yours. And as many times as those downfalls were addressed, there was ultimately no improvement. 

And so, I have to let you go. I have to let you go like the trees do their leaves in the fall. Please understand that I still love you and this hurts me greatly. Please understand that the distance I created was no more than the space between the leaf and the branch after the leaf falls to the ground. Please understand that I will use this experience to fertilize my knowledge and experience the same way the trees use their dropped leaves to protect their roots and fertilize the soil around them, ultimately making them better, healthier, and stronger. And please understand that while new leaves will form on these branches, no one could ever possibly take your space, and maybe the only difference between us and the trees is that the trees can't pickup the leaves they've dropped. And maybe, just maybe, through this whole process of change and letting go and being present with that which does serve us, just maybe we can use this experience to form a new leaf in the spring. But until then, like the tree, I will stand and watch as the old leaves fall away until I am bare and cold, and I will wish I never had to lose any leaves at all.