this tune i found that makes me think of you somehow (TW suicide)

this melody has been stuck in my head. at least for 4 years now. it goes "it'll get better." over and over. when i wake up, when i go to sleep, when i'm at school, when i'm watching with piercing eyes at the layers of skin and flesh open up on my arms, when i'm crying in the shower. "it'll get better" it sings to me. filling my ears like tinnitus, the same old sound. I've started to play it to a tune, repeating the same 4 chords. it only ever goes away when i'm either so drunk my vision is playing games with my head, or when i'm dead asleep. the REM is when i get my break, everything is under my own control. i no longer hear that song, until i wake once more. then it repeats itself. "it'll get better" itllgetbetteritllgetbetteritllgetbetteritllgetbetterITLLGETBETTER. it's my norm, the one thing i can count on being the same for the rest of my life. even when my loved ones die, when that light at the end of the tunnel was just the reflection of a mirror pointed at me, "it'll get better."

maybe when i'm laying on the bathroom tile, pill bottle empty, it will stop. because it hasn't gotten better. 4 years. 

it'll get better