<3<3<3

I think I want to experience love someday. When I was in high school I dated guys for a few months then I’d get bored and break up with them. I never really liked them but they liked me so I just went with it most the time. I’d want to violently projectile vomit whenever they’d say something cringey like talking about getting married or having kids or living together, I never understood how you could feel that way about someone you just met a few months ago as a 14-17 year old. We’ve got our entire lives ahead of us and you think I’m spending the rest of it with you? Why are we talking about kids?? You don’t know me that well why are you so confident in our future together? I could never wrap my head around that high school lover logic. I boiled it down to just that tho. That’s just how teens feel about their first loves I guess. I was the weird one for actively thinking about when I’m gonna dump this boyfriend I just got. 

After high school I eventually realized that I’m a lesbian. Which explained a lot and also nothing at the same time. It made sense why I was super uninterested in boys (despite dating them). And it explained why the thought of being with a man the rest of my life disgusted me. But it still leaves me questioning why I never really yearned for love at that age. Most other girls I knew always wanted a boyfriend. They wanted that gushy romantic high school sweetheart stuff all the time. They’d complain if they didn’t have a boyfriend and wouldn’t shut up about a guy they had a crush on. Obviously I wasn’t ever gonna feel that way about a boy but I feel like even if i wasn’t aware I was gay you’d think I’d still want romance the way others do. I’ve always been so focused on myself that yearning for someone else didn’t cross my mind. 

I often wonder that yearning does to you. My best friend even at our grown age still can’t go without a boyfriend for more than a few months. She’ll pick the worst guy in the world, fall in love, and won’t cut it off (despite several red flags) until it becomes dangerous. Then she’ll say “I need to be alone for a while” then goes right back to talking to a new guy. I cannot possibly imagine what love makes you feel to where you constantly want it. Even if it’s not good for you. Even if it also hurts you, you’re just willing to accept it from anyone. It’s never felt that deep for me. I’d like to try romance one day but it’s never that prevalent in my life.

I’m 20. I have bills. I have a full time job. I go to college. I’m in therapy. I’ve got shit to do and many others my age have these same burdens but they also find the time to want a partner in the midst of all that. I don’t understand that. You’re so busy but you STILL have time for love? I’m sure it’s supposed to be some stress relieving thing but it take so much effort. After a long day of work to come home and do homework and chores, going on a date wouldn’t even cross my mind. If I get a girlfriend I’d want to treat her the best I can and give her the best of me but how could I commit to such an emotional thing when I have essay due at 11:59??? That’s what I don’t understand and what I like about people. Your desire for love is so strong that you make it work despite it all. It’s admirable. My desires even for friends is not that strong. I love my best friend but I think what makes us work is how we don’t try to talk everyday or update each other on every life update. We see each other once in a while and have a great time then part ways. I think that’s how I navigate relationships  the best but obviously you can’t do stuff like that to your girlfriend. Everyone’s relationship is different but the amount of time that I have to and want to spend alone is too much to also have a girlfriend. 

I’m certain about my attraction to women romantically and sexually but I also have incredibly little desire to date or have sex in general. Does that make sense? I’ve considered maybe I’m on the aro/ace spectrum but I’m not sure if this applies. When I think of women it’s like “ahhhh women 😌<3” but when I think of dating it’s like …maybe one day? I also don’t want to claim aro/ace right now because to be fair, I’ve yet to be in a position where I’m around women my age. At work it’s mostly older ladies and some guys. I’m just now starting college so a lot of my classmates like just turned 18 and personally that’s too much of a gap for me. I graduated nearly 3 years ago so dating someone who was just taking their SATs like 3 months ago is a little bit weird to me. Moral of the story is I haven’t given it a fair chance yet so I’ll wait and see.

A lot of older people have told me I’m mature for not focusing on love right now but honestly I just feel emotionally stunted. Like I missed something in my life at some point. I feel like even if i do find a girlfriend I may not be worth keeping around anyways because of this. On top of the little romantic desire, I’m also just kind of a… stoic person. I’ve been told that I look and/or act indifferent, cold, deadpan, etc. you get the point. And most the time it’s true so how does someone like that even get into a relationship to begin with. 

Definitely did not expect this to get so long but it was nice to type it out so I may do this more often. Bye bye.