butterflies (TW bulimia)

4:35am

My screaming vibrates off the shower walls

I can’t hear it, my ears ringing like missed calls

but i feel it

I can feel my retching and gagging as my fingers reach that sweet spot in my throat

The one where i can be rid of those butterflies

Fluttering through my esophagus

The sprinkling shower like glitter in the light coming from the curtains

Clothes piled on the floor, the same ones i’ve been wearing since monday

Sickness spilled through the bottom of the bathtub, inching its way down the drain

Failure

I catch a glimpse of my shadow on the tile next to me

Its sunken face staring right back at me

Holding up its saliva slicked fingers and giving a half-assed wave

Its mocking me

Fat

Fat fat fat

Teeth rotting out of my face

Cavities 

Sugar packets and cakes galore

Stuffed into the garbage and hidden from the others

“You're weak”

It says to me

“Pure-bred bulimic who is as fat as ever

Hurling up the calories from one sitting”

The smell of vomit swirls through my nostrils and is enough to finish the job

One.last.prod.

Prodding at the sweet spot in my throat

Evidence is cleared

I step out of the shower

Turn my head

To the mirror on the wall

youneedtodobetteryouneedtojuststarvewhycantyoujuststicktoyourrestrictionswhycantyouJUSTLEARN

Sat on the tile, stinging tears on my chin

I ponder of when they’ll be back again

The butterflies