shady hoes, ma

dear freakin diary

you know what I really dislike about fandom life? everything. well, not everything, but most things. but given that I'm a real life social recluse, fandom is how I make friends. I enjoy the environment at first, and it seems like people always like me when I join. then they get to know me, and then they don't like me anymore. 

I understand. I'm not for everyone. I'm certainly not trying to be. I can be confrontational even though I'm typically chill. I'm one of the only people in my community who doesn't call my friends for backup when shit goes down. I can handle myself, and in my community, they don't like that. because being a person who can start and end things pretty quickly, that's seen as intimidating. and everyone loves to hit intimidation with their online bitch glare. 

if you hate me so much, why not keep scrolling? why does everything have to be so high school? aren't we here to enjoy the things we enjoy? to share art, to write, to spiral over our favorite characters? 

fandom life has taught me one thing: loyalty is bull

there is no middle ground. if someone is your 'kinda friend' but even closer friends with someone who hates you (for literally no reason), they're gonna flip on you. which, I get it. me? I try to stay neutral. if my friend hates someone for no reason at all, I'm not gonna join them. If they've got a reason though, that's different.

let me tell you a little story.

a while back, there was a stalking incident. me and one of my best friends were two people who were at the center of it all. we would get death threats, violence threats, generally horrible things said to us constantly and without pause. sometimes it would be private quote tweets on every single thing I said. ranging from just thoughts, to opening up about past ab*se. yes, the stalker later admitted to me that it was them talking about me, I just couldn't see it. it got bad enough that my friends outside of fandom life had tried to get me to call the police because they feared for my safety. 

so, I took the bull by the horns and after months of digging, I found the person. It wasn't easy, at all. it took some near-criminal activity to find her too lol. and the hilarious part? I HARDLY KNEW HER. but once I did find her, I exposed her. for everyone to see. and honestly? I didn't hold back much. but of course, I was the bad guy. I saw that coming. I mean, how could I not? 

I had this woman's life down to the fucking letter and i dropped it on the timeline for everyone to see. because I was done. I was done being told that my mental illness was something I used to make excuses and be a narcissist. I was done being told I didn't deserve to be part of society. I was done hearing my best friend being told that she was worthless and to have every tiny flaw pointed out. I was done watching my other friends be called slurs for their sexuality, their autism, their race, their everything. I was done.

and one very important thing happened.

someone (we'll call her J) made a post. J talked about how I did the wrong thing. How i had 'doxxed' this person (by posting public information). But you wanna know the kicker?

The ONE interaction J ever had with this stalker was an anonymous message ABOUT ME. about my mental illness. J doesn't even know me. We have never interacted. I only ever saw her name a few times among the community. So, I felt like J didn't really have the right to tell me how bad of a person I was for exposing the truth when the only shit that ever hit her had my name on it. and she didn't even have the courtesy at the time to tell me that she had been cyberstruck by the stalker when everything the stalker said was about me. 

then, time passed. everyone forgot. except me, I still have nightmares because honestly it was traumatic. 

A hundred other things happened. The community moved on. Except for J and her weird affliction with hating me. 

Later, I said something, I meant what I said. As usual, it was taken the wrong way and about 20 people jumped on me like white on freakin rice. Who was there liking every single subtweet about me? Little Miss J.

So, I did the mature thing. I blocked her. She has no valid reason to hate me since she has not ONCE had a conversation with me. I didn't feel like it was necessary to have her negativity floating around me. 

Just like that, as soon as I blocked J, all of these people who were my 'friends' started to quietly softblock me. No reasoning, no talking to me first, no nothing.

It felt like high school again. Like one day you're in the cafeteria and there's a group of girls whispering and talking about you. Now, if I was still in high school, I would've been the girl to charge over there and drag them by their hair until they learned to keep my name out of their mouths. But, no. I've tried to grow. 

I will fully admit, I am an intimidating person at time. I take absolutely no prisoners since I spent my entire life sitting back and taking whatever came to me. I can be loud, I can be opinionated, I can be the one who says what everyone is thinking but is too afraid to say it. That's me. I totally understand if that's not something you wanna be around, I don't blame you! But do we have to be petty about it?

Is this how it's always gonna be? One person dislikes me and then a bunch of people who I thought were my friends are suddenly gone because someone else doesn't like me? it's the principle of it at least. like, sure, let the trash take itself out. but just the general idea of being the type of person who is such a follower rather than a leader who thinks for themselves is so disheartening. someone I've known for almost 2 years leaving me behind because someone else who I've never had a conversation with doesn't like me? ouch.

one thing about me? I am fiercely loyal. I stand by people during things that maybe I shouldn't. I ride for my people. and some of these people who are silently walking away from me are people I probably would've defended had it come down to it. I guess life is learning who is really on your side... and whose side you maybe shouldn't be on since it isn't reciprocated.

the moral of the story: stop waking up thinking about people who aren't waking up thinking about you. because it's exhausting, and it's only gonna end in disappointment. 

p.s. if you don't understand fandom life, it's not a scenario you can just walk away from. Yes, I know the easy thing would be to just walk away. but that's also walking away from so many things and people that I love. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.