le familiala

so basically my mom told me my dad was a shit person which i completely agreed with because he left me or maybe he didn't leave me? or at least chose to but from experience and some of the memories i have it makes sense that he was the bad parent like when he hit me in front of everyone in the middle of town or when i asked to be read a bedtime story and got ignored and when he dismissed all the times i hurt myself when he slept all day and left me by myself to somehow look after myself at 4 years old. when i think about it it is actually abuse especially neglect. anyway i told my dad everything from him ignoring me to growing weed in my wardrobe not caring about my health and he text me back telling me it was all a lie. to be honest i didn't believe him at all i knew he hated me and i knew he was abusive. im actually really glad he lives in another country because i would be way too scared to say any of this to his face. the thing with my dad is he can never admit to something its always someone elses fault or why would you say that you know i have schizophrenia like yes i know but its not gonna hurt to remind ur only daughter that you don't hate her. sooooooo anyways he said to me my mom forced him to pay her loads and threatened that if he didn't hed never see me again which is weird because my mom told me that he could come see me whenever when i was younger and he refused and chose drugs over his family.  and he told me that my mom was cheating on him and all bad things about their relationship and it makes me feel as if i ruined their lives in someway. as much as i want to believe my mom i cant help but love and care for my dad as much as my mom tells me not to. the thing thats stuck with me most is the first thing both my parents said to me when i asked them about it was 'you dont believe them do you?' like bitch i dont trust any of you ive been told both of you were lying to me like who am i supposed to believe. its like my mom says izzy arent u happy with me and your step dad you dont need your dad anyway he doesnt love you the way i love you. like u what u broke up with my step dad over 3 years ago hes only still my step dad because of y half sister he was the only 'dad' who cared about me and it was amazing to finally not be neglected by a male figure in my life woo woo but no then he got my half sister and now im not important anymore and im not loved anymore and no mom im not happy with you and dean becasue hes violent and his kids are loud and they annoy me and they always argue. i just feel like they're both lying to me and i dont know who to believe anymore i just want to know the real truth not it all being onesided and me being some messanger inbetween them both becasue they hate talking to eachother because now i cant make up my mind on who actually gave me childhood trauma i've always blamed my dad for it as hes the one who left me i've been told all the horrible things he did to my family but then when i talk to him i cant help but want to care for him and be some sort of best friend to him becasue we have a really good connection same sense of humour and we get along so easily but he doesnt put in the effort to make it work and left me questioning if all the things he said about my mom were true but i dont think they are because why would she lie and why would she say he'd never see me again if she lets me talk to him now and why would she make him pay so much when he owes so much child support like she could take him to court over if she really only cared about money then why hasnt she done that? i feel as if im some massive problem and ruin everything between them it's all my fault about everything that happened if i wasnt born they wouldnt have argued over me they wouldnt have had to neglect me they neglected be because i wasnt worth their time