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You know I've this as no comment because I would rather keep this inbox vs inbox if anyone has further questions on this blog. Something I have been thinking about a lot lately on my wolf skull. I don't have anyone in real life that I can share this with and I rather not stress my sister out any. But the thing I've been wondering about in life is what is so wrong about Autistic people that people just hate them? I don't understand why people are so phobic of us. One of my favorite subjects that I like is behavioral analysis, philosophy and psychological responses etc.
I understand we need more understanding than a person that has normal functioning brain cells. But why though? All we need is a little bit more guidance, communication understanding, how we should be appropriate in public and public speaking. Also we need help with social cues. But that's like barely there? Is life so bad now that people just can't even handle the simplest care requirements and guidelines? Autism people or other people with disabilities aren't asking for much in life but your kindness and some of your time. People have always seen my depression as a tool for attention grabbing so I can have someone feel sorry for me. I believe this is why people don't inbox me or send me a friend request often. But people are confused that I'm depressed all the time because I CAN'T ALLOW myself or even THINK ABOUT LETTING GO ABOUT THE PAST. Sadly some people are like this and will never escape what is eating them alive. I've told SSI that and you can read more in my Google Blogs but I told SSI my MDD my chronic depression that I got diagnosed with is because I simply can't let go what has happened to me, I can't let the past go from me, I simply refuse of accepting change or moving on what has happened to me, I'll never forget I never gotten communication or social help and all I was told until I was hatched and until I was 13 that I'm just ADHD and nothing is wrong with me. I'll never forget what was done to me. I want forgiveness so I can move on but sadly that can't happen now. Help should've been done as a kid but wasn't. Instead I was put on ADHD medication because my behavior was so unknown that the doctors just decided that maybe just mildly sedating me and that I could function in school was the way things should be. I'm not going to go onto word for word what has happened in my past because that is already on my blog. But the moral of the story is my depression is caused by I think or dwell in the past of why I deserve this. Why did this happen to me? Why couldn't I've a normal life in school where some kids enjoyed school like my sister. I wanted a life like that. But no I couldn't. I understand that my depression of dwelling is my fault but things could've been prevented however. If you think that my depression is 100 percent my fault then you're a really bad person for saying that. I was a young girl. I had no say. I couldn't do anything or defend myself. But I was also diagnosed with PTSD but I don't know what kind. My chart just says PTSD. But most of my topics you can tell are PTSD speaking. But nothing really got confirmed until 2017 and 2020. Why does diagnosis take so long for a confirmation? When I was 13 I was told that I'm not ADHD and I'm possibly suffering from Asperger's or Autism and that I had something else combined with those disorders. However that couldn't be further researched because I was on and off of Medicaid because the government was like well your dad makes $4000 through $5000 a month and he can pay your bills. My dad did was a car parts salesman etc. When my mom was alive she never worked because of several reasons. She needed to take care of me, while my dad was at work then my mom was the one that would take me and pick me up from school and my dad wouldn't let her work because he had to know every single worker she was working with etc and things like that. So basically my mom was my caregiver. So my dad was the one supporting all of us. Your guess is as good as mine why Medicaid didn't see that. This might sound like I'm going off random and stuff like that but I wanted to say as well that people think I'm lying when I had no communication help or social skills help no I wasn't placed in that. I did get placement in ADHD anger management in 8th grade, I was also placed underneath the special needs umbrella and borderline mental retardation in school. Just letting people know a few facts.
In 2020 I found out that schools in the U.S. can't call someone borderline mentally retarded or special needs in school anymore. As well as doctors can't put someone is borderline mentally retarded or special needs on their mental health diagnosis chart. I do know that borderline mentally retarded is now replaced with borderline intellectual disorder. Also Autistic people are now called according to mental health doctors is Autistic Spectrum Disorder. I don't understand why this disorder went from Autism, Autistic Disorder, Asperger and finally Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Why did doctors need to change this up a few times? I do know that doctors always look at me with 5 sets of heads on top of me when they ask why I can't source or trace where my Autism comes from when nobody in our family displays this issue. Then I had an SSI doctor on July 30th of 2022 tell me you do know right back then there is no test for Autism correct? Because my dad made a statement about his mom always acting strange or just like me etc but she was not tested for Autism but how could she when she was a single mom of six and barely made enough as it is for them and not only that you couldn't get a mental health exam back in their time. Because you would be locked in a nut farm. But seriously though that attitude though. You should've seen how the worker also insulted my dead mother etc. But anyways gearing back in subject. My son is normal as far as I'm aware. He doesn't seem to display traits as I did as a kid which I've no idea why my parents didn't assume something was wrong with me. I don't think my parents have ever heard of Autism, otherwise my parents, even my mom was alive would've counteracted the doctors just saying I'm ADHD. As a kid and my sister that is six years apart she loved playing with dolls or dollhouses. I didn't as my lack of imaginative skills as a kid was lacking and I didn't understand that. Instead of putting together puzzles and using puzzle glue with my mom, I loved color books, I loved arts and crafts projects even though I was terrible at them, I love shredding things, I also loved taking apart dolls and I felt no emotion from doing so if that was right or wrong to do. I just loved putting them back together again or just being weird and shoving them in toilets. Why this wasn't a red flag towards my parents is beyond me. Also just letting you know my parents never allowed me or my sister to watch movies or shows that weren't rated for our age and I didn't get into video games till I was 7 but I wasn't allowed to play very violent video games either. You might think you played Street Fighter 2 Turbo. No I'm talking about my parents wouldn't let me play games like with guns if you were murdering people or stuff like that, blood splashing on the screen everywhere and basically games that had severe violence. What the readers of this blog writing needs to understand is that all my Autism signs that I showed and displayed the doctors thought I was just an overactive hyper child. The doctors also thought my parents were feeding me too much sugar and I just needed some medication just to calm me down etc. But wasn't that the whole motto in the 2000's and up? Every person's problem is ADHD. I believe all doctors just diagnosed everyone with ADHD back then and the ones that had LEGIT ADHD were just naughty children just naughty. But let's take a few steps back shall we? I talked about my kid but let me tell some more facts about him. I've not seen any delay in learning in school, I've never been asked by the schools if he needs a 504 plan and anything like that. He honestly enjoys school and loves being with friends. My son's biggest problem is accepting if a friend moves out of our town or isn't in his class anymore. My son cares about friends and making friends with people. But that is in school. In person though, I like grocery shopping not so much. But that doesn't mean he is Autistic lol. What kid likes randomly going up to people and saying hi or whatever like that? That's completely normal haha. I remember one time a lady said my son was cute. This was an elderly lady and my son was like thanks? I mean that doesn't mean he is Autistic. That just means I don't know you lady and who the fuck are you? Haha. My son takes after my dad's dead brother and my alive sister. He loves learning math, reading and writing are his favorite subjects. My sister's favorite and my dad's dead brother were the only people in the family that liked math. I do know my sister told me her least favorite was history or social studies was one of them. But so far my son has not failed a grade yet. He hasn't been bypassed in school either. That happened to me in 8th grade. I couldn't pass the math test multiple times so the school had to bypass me due to my ''issues'' that I had etc. Also I didn't learn a language in high school because of me being labeled as special needs and borderline mentally retarded exempt me from doing so. You can also read more on my blogs but my kid did have to go to 4 years of trauma therapy after an event that happened with my mom and me in 2017. ALMOST ALL users on here should know this because on my old account from idk a few years ago on here new about the situation but other than that I never gotten a call from the school about your kid is failing school or anything like that. Another thing about my kid is his favorite colors are red, blue, silver and orange. Interesting colors lol. He was obsessed with Nerf guns before he was into fidget toys because he wanted to be like everyone else in school and half one LOL. Just like Fortnite he doesn't play Fortnite but he asked for this certain bag because everyone in school has the same bag LMAO. I told him but you don't play Fortnite though? He is doing well. Everyone had this bag in 4th grade so I want the same bag in 5th grade and I was like okay if you say so fine haha. His favorite sport is soccer. I tried getting him into baseball or basketball and he said no. I don't know why. Maybe he is afraid of getting hit with a ball or something like that. I couldn't get my son to ride a bike. He fell once and this happened to me as a kid as well and I was paranoid on getting a bike ever since. My son always screamed bloody murder when I tried get him on a bike so I said no. All he did was fall once and would never get back on the bike again lol. He isn't into scooters anymore. Every once in a while he will ask my dad to take him to the park to play with his basketball or to play there but other than that my son's favorite sport is soccer. My son also doesn't like when you ask if he is hungry every 1 hour or two. My kid independently asks to fix him some food etc. My dad had a huge issue when he was a toddler because my son asked when he wanted to watch a movie with me or when my mom was alive etc. My dad got mad and finally understood that my child doesn't like to be integrated to do something. My child and a lot of people are surprised by his age. He never put anything in his mouth he wasn't supposed to as a kid. Before he eats or drinks anything he doesn't know he will ask what it is before consuming. He is also at the age 9 when he asked that and he will be in November at 11 if he can go look at toys or if he does well on his report card if you can buy him $10-15 as a reward. He said that himself. My dad didn't force him to say that. My son randomly came up to me. So as you can see my son shows no sign of Autistic traits. Just because he has to open up to people he doesn't know like in school or if a random lady says my kid is cute doesn't mean my son is autistic lol. My son also played with toys as a kid. I saw no signs of delay of interest in imaginative play either. My sister was like that. I can't tell you why or how it went wrong with me. My sister is like my son. independent never has needed co help for communication or social cues or anything like. My young prince loves school, made friends easily, loved the bus and had no academic issues and guess what? He picked the flute like my sister did when band was in 5th grade. I can't tell you what went wrong. I'll never have the answers. The only answer we've is that my dad's mom acted strange. We have no whereabouts about my dad's dad as he left his mom. We've no answers about my mom's dad either. Our ancestors the only thing we know is our ancestors came from a boat from Europe and that's all folks. I know there are DNA kits out there now that can detect medical history from your past lineage but I think that's bullshit and also my dad isn't going to spend a big expense for a DNA kit lol. I saw one DNA kit for $150 dollars lol.
But let's talk about the future shall we.
Why don't I go back to therapy? Almost all users that knew me from my past accounts said that I went into therapy after my mom passed away in 2017. Well the truth is from 2017 and 2020 I've gotten the answers I need for why I act the way I do, my behavioral problems and so on. But before I drift this off further the thing you should know is. Help should've been done PROPER when I was a kid. When I told my dad I wish I had help as a kid he didn't understand shit. He was like we did and we took you several doctors but that's not our fault the doctors misdiagnosed you. We spent almost all of our money trying to figure out what was wrong with you. I found out in 2020 that I made my family very not financially stable because of my behavioral problems. I didn't say anything after that but my dad found out on July 30th of 2022 that I'm stuck in the past and I can't move on. For some reason this SSI visit my dad had to be inside the disability accountant psychologist. I told her I understand moral wise that's not the correct thing to do is not let go of the past but I simply can't move on and let go. My dad was like some people unfortunately can't. Also with my Autism I make hand gestures sometimes to get my point across. I put my fingers across my fingers like a pulling a cage method to get the emotional point across. Anyways, onto another topic. I told a lot of my friends that are close to me this thing that I think about a lot etc.
Isn't it funny? That I do want forgiveness for something that can't be forgiven because the past is already done and can't be fixed and I'm severely depressed because of the psychological trauma I've faced at a young age. I'm such an angry and hateful person because I didn't get the PROPER HELP I NEEDED. The thing is this sounds like a PTSD trigger response more than anything. I know guilt, worthlessness, helplessness and worthlessness is a strong PTSD feeling. Idk what PTSD I've. Just my mental health reports state that I just have PTSD. I always wondered about these things and I dwell on them often. What kind of person would I be today if I got proper help? What if I got into groups that are for people with certain mental illnesses? What if I got into communication or speech therapy what kind of person would I be? I can't tell you why these thoughts and ideas pop up in my wolf skull. I can't and don't know why. I had some people online tell me as well that due to the fact that since I've a kid I shouldn't feel these kinds of emotions. Uh what? That makes no sense at all. Since when do people start thinking that having a kid will erase all your pain and suffering? What kind of idealistic shit is that? One person told me since I've a kid that my chronic depression shouldn't exist and I shouldn't worry about what has all happened with my whole life and yada yada yada yada etc. Seriously, why do people think this way? This is so toxic. This is going off topic for a bit but speaking of a toxic trait this also happened recently. The stuff I'm talking about in this statement above is past tense etc. I recently stopped talking with someone that was like that and what I mean by that is sharing toxic traits because a person demanded that he is changing himself so people and women can like him more etc. I personally think we were great friends after two weeks but once he told me he wanted his art career changed up because the girls didn't like that he was a nerd and that really pissed me off. He went on rants about his physical appearance needs changes and stuff so he can hopefully get a girlfriend. I'm sorry that behavior is really toxic and I instantly blocked him. I simply can't stand when people change themselves for the benefits of more attention. All those people say you need a certain look or you need a certain career so you can appease people or woman is a sad toxic life. Only true friends or true people will stay with you for who you're. If your friend is asking for diastatic changes that's not helpful, that's toxic. That's psychological abuse. I used to be that way for my Christian family besides my sister. You can read more about that in my blogs but no more, I'm done. If you don't like the way I'm then that's fine and that's honestly your own problem and not mine that you can't accept me. When someone can't accept you for a career path or your hobbies, that's their problem and not something wrong with you. Yeah that did take me 26 years of knowing that trying to make everyone happy is near impossible. But please if you ever text me you're changing yourself because someone said so then you will be blocked. I did that all my life thinking that oh yeah I can appease everyone and make everyone happy. But when I turned into my mid 20's I knew then that was a highly toxic trait that can cause severe mental distortion in yourself, then in return you lose yourself in the process and before long you don't know who you're and start displaying symptoms of an I.D. Crisis. My advice right now if people are in this situation I highly doubt you leave this massive toxic trait and run straight for the hills and I really mean that. Before you've irreversible psychological damage. This is just a warning sign and that is all folks on that topic.
Before blocking him, I've been telling my close friends this one simple philosophy that I go by and this not taken from the internet etc.
I did tell him that you do know right that my personal belief is people are replaceable correct? People should be replaced if the person is trying to make themselves happy and only themselves happy. People will soon die of old age or natural causes. So in the end you shouldn't feel no emotion if you leave a person because the other person is seeing themselves as benefiting themselves and not you. Anyways ,my best friend and I got into this topic because he said one of his friends told him that he needs an emotional support therapist because he is a negative person. Just letting you people know I'm a negative person as well but that is because of years of psychological abuse. There is nothing wrong with having a bleak mindset about life, reality and the inhabitants etc if you've endured heavy psychological abuse and yes I don't care if a person reads this blogs and says severe bullying isn't psychological abuse because in the end you don't know what shit you're talking about and you can even Google yourself bullying and developing PTSD because of bullying. I told him the sentence above and I also told him that you do understand that the person is probably just trying for benefit and gain right? I also told him that I would recommend you stop talking with this person because she seems like a person that just doesn't understand you at all. I also warned him that you never know she might stop talking with you after you've done what she had asked because some people are like that. Once you change for them then their ego is boosted and then will leave you. He said that it's a few people that are telling him. I told him as well that one day these people are gonna die of old age and natural causes and you should just move on in life and just replace this person that doesn't see you for who you are and themselves want you to change for their own benefit. So in the end why would you stick with someone that doesn't understand you at all and begin with? His response was. You know I might just stick with this and think about what you said etc.
So with that said that's the kind of friend I'm. I will go philosophy over that. Which that's kind of how I have always been always analytical and always on about ways of philosophy ideas with the problem that is going on etc.
My last judgement call is.
I told SSI I will not return and finish my school. I told them this is because the trauma is too much for me and I simply won't go back and I refuse. I also told them that I did want to learn in high school and not that I didn't want to learn. I told them I've issues getting math problems down on paper, I've issues retaining information, I did stay after school for Algebra and I told SSI within the next day I forget what I learned. I told them as well. My English teacher told me I should just read the instructions on the book and only 4 or 5 people passed her class out of 20. Also I don't think SSI is taking my severe trauma of high school bullying seriously. I think by this point SSI thinks I'm probably dramatizing the story for more oh feel sorry give me my monthly benefits. Seriously, SSI thinks I'm a fake person.
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