Mr. Oblivious

Sweet heart is the term you used all those years ago. The soft warm glow of embers loom in this worn out torch I hold onto. I stopped carrying it long ago but the smoldering has ceased the ashes slowly falling towards the ground. This long forgotten inner static has been silenced by the distance. The laughter and moments forever written into the fabric of the story we had made for ourselves. The feelings we shared are now neatly packed away and we have since moved our own paths. Our meeting was vital to my story and how we ended has been the pivotal momentum to both our lives. I remember you would allude to our inevitable demise smiling and laughing as if you knew inside we were both young souls clinging to each other. My intentions while good were not always the best. My own inner dialogue hidden from you caused me to stray. I lied for so long to myself to keep myself happy. I had brought myself to the brink of ending my existence many a times. It wasn't you that kept me hanging on those moments which had showed itself clearly at the end. I followed my own path but had to go into a new situation before realizing it needed to happen. The scars on this heart were burning deep for years. I will always love you and while other things may have brought us apart I will always find you in the memories. 

The hot Friday nights in the courtyard smelling of grass and hairspray. The sleepy mornings under the trees smiling holding hands. Letting all the world disappear around us as we would embrace. Drinking, smoking, and hanging out with friends together while I quietly longed to be somewhere else. The swimming and playing together for days into long nights of chilling. Wasting our time endlessly chasing a high that we would never get to. I remember all of these moments and more. I remember falling into new lovers arms and finding myself clinging to you to keep me afloat. I remember dealing with the issues of my own twisted personal life and although being ashamed I let you in as close as anyone had ever been. The open doors lead me to lock up other places to keep you for my own. Somehow I wondered if you saw through my attempts to hide. I fell in love with someone else. I had grown so tired of holding you down. I needed to get away from you. From everything because I was living a complete lie and even when it came down to it I chose to lie more. The lies tangling around me over and over all up my body strangling me. After a long period of waking up somewhere new with someone with so much compassion for me I realized I needed to find myself and love her too. I wasn't allowing myself to heal from the trauma others have caused but also the trauma I have caused as well. It's all so hard to believe these High School Sweethearts would ever have made it. The doubts from others were all rightfully stated. We weren't meant for each other and no amount of lying to each other would have done this. It doesn't change the fact that inside me I still had feelings for you. Maybe it's the insufferable hell of High School that brought us so close. Once the doors opened to real life it was over for me. I know you wanted to marry me. I knew you had plans of your own for this life we would've created for us. The dog the pretty home the children the loving image of this future that you had longed for. I had my own vision of things and how I wanted my life to go. I'm glad you are happy now with your new love and your dogger. I hope you have found someone who will share in all your future plans. I personally love to see you thriving out there. It makes me happy that you have found someone to fill your days with laughter and love. With all that said I hope for the best as you embark on your journey to the tragic end. With all my heart hope you get everything you truly deserve and want for yourself. 

Whole heartedly, 

The Not So Sweetheart. 

P.S. - Fuck you for not taking me to see Frankenweenie asshole I still hate The Last House on The Left. But thank you for Anchorman. Okay Byyyeeee :P