Why do I feel so sad? I've achieved what I set out to do. I'm now studying my course of choice after almost two years of persuading and arguing. But why do I feel so empty? It hasn't been a month and yet I already feel a considerably heavy weight on my shoulders and in my hands. It feels like a heavy weight was taken off them just to be replaced with something heavier and bigger. Aside from the constant pressure, there's a sadness that always lingers longer than its other variations. Yet, I can't quite describe it exactly or pinpoint what's causing it. It's just...there.
Maybe it's the loneliness. As of last week, I've had to accept the fact that I'll be alone a lot more. No more hearing footsteps around the house, no more hearing music or the television playing downstairs, no more hearing someone talk to me or call my name. It's my first day of finally experiencing this and it's only been a few hours but I already feel ready to crawl out of my skin. I don't like being alone. It's one of my greatest fears and yet here I am.
I feel so inadequate and unfamiliar. Like I don't know whose skin I'm wearing and that I don't deserve to wear it. It's debilitating. I've lost what light I've managed to make for myself early this year and now I wallow in darkness with no way of knowing how to escape it. It's all-consuming and suffocating.
I'm not sure of a lot of things at the moment but I am sure of one thing. I need help.
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