Me ig idk how i perceive myself cw: a vent

Tw/cw: mentions of implied emotional abuse

I dont really enjoy socialising with people irl and online not beacuse i have social anxiety or anything its just that i feel like people dont understand me ; the way that i try to express myself or to talk the interests people always say im over the top

I talk to much ect 

I think thsi mostly to my adhd syptoms [im not diagnosed so i cant say for sure but yk]but oh well ive always wonder how id act if i didnt have them

Im going off track sorry, i never got validated with my feelings with my parents especially my mum she never wants to understand my own perspective cuz "cuz she knows better than me" she thinks trying understand me, is me tryinging controlling her i honestly give up at this point.

I crave to be validated so bad cuz all my life people have said im weird, diffrent, awkward ect.

It makes me feel like im not human 

But in a weird way i almost crave the social isolation it makes me, me a place i can do whatever i want without people judging me but i know that cant last forever i mean i have friends. 

Really good friends at that fact

But that burning rage inside hurts soo bad

So bad

No matter how i express my emotions im always in the wrong should i even feel like this?

Should i?

Will anyone help me who knows

At the end of the day i still crave to have a good mother figure so bad she lets me down everytime but i have no one else not even other family members not like they would care. 

Abuse is SO common in african/black households that people just call it "disipline"

Its so invalidating to my trauma i hope the trauma cycle stops but thats gonna take awhile 

I still go back to her everytime cuz i know without her id be nothing to my culture, i cant speak my native language, i do the cutural dances, i can barely make the food. 

Id be so disconnected with my culture if i have children they wouldnt be able to know anything especially if i dont date someone who is nigerian id feel guilty.

I probably shouldn't have children i know im getting worser and to put them what i went through would be unfair just beacuse i want children.

Cycle of abuse 

Being a black perseon who is perceived as women being angry sucks

I hate society