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Category: Life

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Conversation with new people usually goes to the question ''but why do you dwell in the past'' or ''but why are you scared of the future, and all always leads to their argument of ''oh, but really, you should be living in the present, you should be worrying about the *right now*, taking it step by step, it's a healthier way to carry on'', and I get it, but that's just auto-pilot, we all experience it in some way or another. My problem is the down-time, when the brain is on manual, like when we're laying down to sleep, or when you're sitting down on the bus or in the subway. ''Oh, just do shit on your phone'', what if I don't have battery, what if no one is texting back, what if I don't feeling like staring at a screen, and would prefer to watch the world be the dynamic fluidity that I struggle with.

Everything is dynamic, nature demands it, but at the same time, everything is on cycles, loops ,if you're cynical. And not just in a rigid human-capitalist sense, animals do it. Do you have a pet? Just take 10 mins, sit down with them, at their level, and watch them do what they do. They'll come in for pets, maybe lay down with you, then they'll go drink some water, eat, catch a nap after. And if you let another 10 minutes go by, they'll do it all over again, it's just nature. Which now bears the question is the sentience that puts us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom, the same thing that's in the way of my mental health. Would I be happier if I hadn't the ability to consider myself. Maybe, I don't know if happier is the right word for it. There's a lot to go into it here, about biases and how none of us are ever looking at these issues through the same lense, no matter how hard we try to, inherit biases are a thing, maybe, maybe you don't subscribe to that. I studied with a guy who stood firmly by that 50's-esque systematic approach to looking not just at science, but at life, culture, whatever nature branched out into. Hey, it was born of a time of rapid technological change, systems are exactly how we design and approach said technology, and you *can* apply that same logic of logic to nature. The doe does need to seek spaces to both feed and drink, and those will be directly connected to where it nests, and if say a hunter is on the path to the nearby river, that system is now compromised or severed, and the doe now has a challenge to meet. While I respect why people do subscribe to it, it's simple, it applies to near anything, and it's cynical.
Yea, cynicism can be a selling point. Always was, again, sentience can do a lot. You'll see people go ''Oh my god, how can someone be so uncaring, and just stand there.'' and the more you think about it, and especially if you've been in a situation where that applies, you understand we're not all wired equally, and it's really a minority (not taking into account mother/fatherhood instinct cause that's natural, any other animal will protect their young) who will have that impulse to act on someone else's danger, because despite the power of sentience, we're still animals, and numero uno is the only thing we ABSOLUTELY need to protect to keep experiencing life.

Back to the point. To be terrified of the future is social. But to cope, we're expected to make it personal. To be caught up in the past is also social, nostalgia is an industry, but you're still told ''**YOU** need to get over it'', the healing is always expected to be internal and solitary. So the kinder people, the more experienced ones just tell you to be on auto-pilot all the time, to not waste time with what's behind you, and to not plot too far a course. You hear it so much that it starts to feel like cookie-cutter advice. Maybe I'M cynical. Maybe I do waste brain power on abstracting a straightforward world. As they say ''the day-dreamers never make it''. But I'm just caught up on it all, and the meds don't help it. So here we are, right back where we started.

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