my mind and speaking

It's been quite an uncomfortable last two years in terms of my emotions. I got more and more emotionally constipated as the months went by without having a meaningful interaction with my friends that wasn't online. There's a reason I like to go out with them. I didn't like pouring my heart out to a screen at night. I needed someone to confide to in person or else I won't at all. Of course, I have my aunt, which has always been very open to letting me speak my mind when I want to. But alas, the damage has already been done and I honestly think I've hit a very hard wall with my emotions.

I don't really know if there's a term for this. In how one has felt they lost control of their emotions so choose to keep them tucked away instead. I do this a lot. I think I've done it a lot recently. I can't say anything to my friends anymore. I like that they still tell me stuff but sometimes it hurts that I can't reciprocate that same level of openness anymore. I've become more of a sounding board nowadays and I can't even do anything about because I don't know what do about it at all. I realized all this as I was doing an assignment where I had to answer a personality test and right off the bat, I didn't like it. I knew that I didn't necessarily have to be honest but I didn't want to fuck up my image. I don't want to do it but I know I have to. I don't like having to be honest about such personal things but I also don't want to create this version of myself that doesn't exist. It's a crime against my existence both ways. Writing blogs about how I feel has been a huge help but it's not the same.

It's been fucking me up so I decided to write about it before I forget how to formulate the words. I want to go back to normal. I want to be able to open myself up again as easy as before. I want to regain that level of intimacy with other people. I want, I want, I want. The question is how.