kind of a vent sorry folks

they reached out to a person i know from school and told her all kinds of lies about me. that i'm racist, i'm a liar and a manipulator and that i literally killed my sister (she died due to a disease) and that girl, being the asshole she was, told everyone at school and THEM being the idiots they ALL are, believed her. i'm really sensitive about my sister because i feel guilty and now everyone knows about her and blames me, says i did one of my ''satanic'' spells and killed her...

 i walk to school everyday being hated and judged, 2 girls who literally give the teachers GIFTS do it to get higher grades than me and now i went from 1st to 3d best student because they've become friends with their teachers and my OCD gives me gruesome and gory intrusive thoughts about hurting those girls. i get good grades because i'm a hard worker and more intelligent but they get so mad jealous... thankfully my parents know they don't deserve their good grades and are going to fail miserably in life while i have a graduation and career plan for my future. 

back to our main subject, my crush is still ''friends'' with the summer camp girls who ruined my nonexistent social life (she actually hates them). i don't blame her, i mean what if they did the same to her? we keep out conversations secret so they don't find out she's talking to me... we met when i was leaving the summer camp girls, she apparently noticed me in a groupchat and begged me to not leave because apparently she liked me. of course, being the rational person i am, i dismissed it as utter bullshit but she insisted and insisted by making new accounts trying to reach me. eventually i gave up and let her talk to me. she was kind of obsessed with me and i secretly didn't mind it. over time i started to like her, more and more each day, each word, each call, each picture, each video and decided to confess while she was in summer camp. we made a secret writing code so i could send the camp emails and they would give it to her. 

i sent one in which i confessed that i liked and wanted to see her considering she lived not too far from me, i wanted to confirm that i was in love, not some internet relationship, actual love. she agreed and when i saw her up close she was as beautiful as i remember her in her pictures and vids.  i'll never forget that tight hug she gave me, she smelled a bit like sweat but i couldn't care less at the moment. unsurprisingly, she was kind of shorter and i was absolutely in awe. she seemed nervous the whole time and i offered to get her cinnamon rolls, i gave her a necklace as a gift (i don't think she liked it). after our meetup we still kept talking like crazy and staying up all night. 

after some time she started ''losing interest'' and when she told me i felt my heart shatter into tiny pieces and i lost my shit. i'm talking full on psycho mode. my sanity was gone and i became way too obsessed, i carved her name into my skin using a utility knife and it was like i couldn't even feel the pain. i got annoyed at her ghosting me so i pointed out that it was unfair. when she was in love and i didn't like her back i stayed and still talked to her but when it was my time all i got was that treatment. i told her all about my obsession and she got creeped out and blocked me. but after a few days she realized what she was doing was wrong and she apologized countless times and i forgave her of course.

we started talking again like crazy and we still are but it's different this time. she started flirting out of nowhere and tried to do something like seduce me like saying suggestive things and it came as a surprise to me so i couldn't really reply, i was way too flustered for that. she started saying these things more often now and my therapist says she probably still likes me.

i'm meeting her again in a few days and i'm really nervous i think i'm gonna pop a blood vessel...