RANT [sept 2022]

i basically lost any stability i had in only a couple of weeks. 

school started again and at first the only stress was waking up early and speaking in front of the class. now there's already important assignments, i already feel excluded from the rest of my classmates and i can't manage to stay awake. i feel like everybody there hates me. i feel out of place, i feel fucking stupid.

my self harm tendencies are getting bad again. maybe bc i want ppl at school to realize i'm not as normally functional as they are. maybe bc i don't know any other way of calming my anxiety down. i'm glad the nurses at school don't ask many questions though, sometimes i have to go 2 them bc it either doesn't stop bleeding or hurts really bad. i'm lucky they understand and don't make a fuss out of it w teachers etc.

one thing i wish came back was how bad my eating disorder was in 2020. i lost a kilo per week, i fasted thee days at a time, i went from slightly overweight to almost underweight. now i am underweight, but this just means i take months to lose only a kilo. what am i doing wrong? i just wanna be between skinny and dead. i hate my body, i hate how the fat feels on it, i hate existing inside of it. i just want this feeling to go away. 

im slowly giving up on trying to live a normal life. it takes up all of my energy to be social and have fun. i just wanna lay in my bed and rot. i wanna be able to sleep for once, or forever. i don't wanna leave my house, don't wanna feel neglected or be left alone or not be left alone. maybe its just me who expects too much from others and from life.