Drained

Not only that, its back to base one with my boyfriend. why do my relationships suck man. I just want to be in a happy and healthy relationship. I thought I was in one, but it just downgraded completely man.

If I could go back 2 months to when we were in a happy and healthy relationship where he would hold my hand everyday when walking to class regardless of how short the walk was I could. I wish it was like that. We've been dating for nearly a year now. Where'd it go wrong during the summer? Where'd I go wrong?

He says that Its not me and that it's due to past trauma which I believe but why is the problems happening now? why is he getting distant now? I don't understand. I really want to know.

This suck.

I suck.

I just wish I was doing good in life.

I wish I was perfect for him. So I wouldn't have this throbbing in my body that makes me want to throw up all the time. but hey. its my fault I feel this way. My stupid anxiety, my stupid over thinking, my stupid everything. 

He asked why I was alway jealous. I would tell him but what it really justify my fear of him leaving me for some way better than me? Is it bad to protect him from others? Others who don't use his right pronouns, others that still see him as a female, others who use him, or just dont talk to him at all without him texting first? is it really that bad for me to do that?

other than that that's my rant.

bye.

Ilya <3