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This is probably the WORST urge ive ever gotten. I feel sick like I want to throw up, my arms are irritated, my head wont think right, I cant stop crying every hour. Everything just sucks for me rn!!1!111! Id LOVE to tell someone about this but im so used to being disappointed, challenged, ignored, unhelped, afraid, let down that I just wont. There are TONS of people who understand and are willing to help me but it’s just so terrifying. I cant find comfort in strangers, I cant find comfort in family, I cant find comfort in MANY of my friends, I cant find comfort even in professionals, im not even willing to tell my partner much anymore because some of the times ive hinted at it I feel brushed off 😧 and its most likely because she just cant help me and is forced to just repeat the same words like last time.
Im that type of person who isolates themself when they’re in a shitty mood because I don’t want to worry other people, I mask my feelings whenever I have to interact with people but lately everything is so bad I just end up breaking down in front of everyone and going mute, not explaing anything at all. Its so embarrassing because I look like a big baby and im scared if I do that too much ill be left because everyone will realize that im helpless and they cant do anything and that maybe i am not willing to help myself so i need to be left to fend for myself because im draining everyone else too and they cant handle that.
ANYWAYS yeah I feel icky, I want to relapse, I cant find comfort blah blah blah.
[extra/memo]
Sorry for always venting on here 🙁 I noticed that (or at least I feel) I look like one of those pick me, quirky, edgy I have depression kids but I literally dont intend to lol. 1. Ive been diagnosed with MDD so i kinda actually know how to deal with it lol and maybe someone can relate 2.This place is so obscure enough I feel confident enough to dump everything here and little to know people will know about it cause, who actively uses this site??? I do have a twitter for this stuff but its not as welcoming(???) as it is here and igs you can also say its more for my scattered, erratic thoughts that get cut up. But yeah, thanks for reading and noticing my existence. I know ALOT of the stuff I say is confusing and hard to follow but it means a lot when people see it and can kinda get the gist.
Thank you again and, have a nice rest of your day </3
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