i should introduce myself.

stranger: what's your name

me: joy

stranger: if your joy, I'm pleasure 

me: no for real my name is joy im aware your horny right now but to be honest my name isn't bullshit. it's the most unique but basic ass name my dad could have come up with and i never ever hear the end of "omg 'joy ;)' you must love Christmas" I'm an atheist.

even though the whole 'name thing' seems like a bit much you can just call me motherfucker/mf. because I truly hate Mother's Day which may confuse some people, and that's fine by me because long story fucking short, I have no connection with my mom; she doesn't love me, and I don't love her, and I want to keep it like that so FUCK MOTHERS DAY YEAHHHH. (don't worry if you have some sort of loving connection with your mom, I promise I won't interfere and cream myself) 

moving on to more personal things like my age and shi' 

I'm about to be 15 (ill soon be able to change this and just say i truly am 15 but you get the point) oct. 2nd. 2007.

i mentioned my sexuality (somewhat) previously but i am currently in love with this girl that goes to my school. for her sake and safety, I won't mention anything besides the fact i am not focused on getting into a relationship for any reason with anyone, because of her. to be honest I don't really even know my sexuality, but for now I'll say bisexual and for more in-depth knowing I am also asexual.

I spend most my time watching shows, smoking, smashing beer bottles in ally ways, or just sleeping my days away. I don't have some goal in my life I would die for besides quite literally waiting for death. it's not something I crave but like anyone you can't go your lifetime without at least thinking "what would it be like for my friends and other people I've met if they never knew me, or in other words, if I simply never existed?" obviously that question cannot be answered until I die and my friends move on but again, it's not really something on my mind. when it does come down to mental health and all that shit, I tend to stay away from talking about it. bipolar depression is something a lot of my friends talk about, and I find it funny that about 70% of the people i grew up with friends and family all together mainly had bipolar depression. not like that matters all too much but it's worth saying. of course, I've had my fair share of thinking maybe i have it but the more I get called lazy and self-loathed I just think maybe I'm just tired. i mean sure, i have depression and anxiety. but who doesn't? really, who? 

I also have this problem where I say too much for a small topic, it's not really something i notice till I'm done rambling. so, if sometime, we are ever talking and you find me doing that, stop me. 

getting into personality, anyone I meet always brings up the "you remind me of an old friend" 

I once met this dude in a lazy river at a water park, I overheard him talking to some random girl about how he was suicidal and right as I ran into a wall because I was halfway falling over my tube and asleep, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "you heard that didn't you?' i blankly looked up and replied "yup. who cares though. I for sure don't" I can promise you I'm not a dickhead and he clearly understood my way of thinking and before I knew it, we started talking about our lives from me being on a trip in Missouri to him being there in the lazy river talking to me for the same reason. he complemented my looks and told me "I like the way your hair looks purple in the shade" he noticed small things about me and since I enjoyed that we soon started talking about shows and other things. that month I re-watched one punch man just for him. and to this day I still remember the second sentence he said to me after I said "..I for sure don't" - "you remind me of an old friend of mine back in Illinois" 

I guess I put off this calm energy because everyone describes me as this nonchalant motherfucker who gives less of a shit about anyone's thoughts and words. a part of that is true. if someone calls me a fag, I don't get mad about the slur I just get pissed someone adempted to insult me. and when I show any sort of reaction they claim "you're doing too much" no buddy I just don't take anyone's bullshit. 

ill never be able to give a reasonable answer to why I love jesters/clowns, Ferris wheels, writing, or really any of my stupid interests. the only somewhat simple reason is that it starts with liking things overtime from small experiences. for example Ferris wheels. they look dumb and are pretty stupid in short terms; they just go around in circles. but if you had an experience like mine where you got to ride in one with your favorite person, at night where it was lit up, same with the entire amusement park its pretty damn cool. of course its not a big deal considering anyone can do that but if that special person is now dead all you have left is a fading memory. but the Ferris wheel is always there. so yeah you may catch me in line for a Ferris wheel over and over and over and over again sitting on the same spot I did last time but the side next to me empty. I may look over to that view because i find it prettier and that just makes me sonder and catch everything I found dumb about a ride at a cheap amusement park even better. 

i like rain, the sound of it, the way it smells, its just nice. i also love to paint. taking rain water and dipping my dirty paintbrush into the cup filled with the black paint blending in looks so comforting. sometimes as im sitting there i start to disassociate. what if i was that shape its creating? its a weird question but when im finished with my piece of art or whatever you would call my paintings i don't feel as sad. its my way of coping. as im writing this im listening to heavy rain and just now looking up to see my slightly tinted room lit up with grey/blue from outside. some of my paintings are currently drying infront of s fan..

*im starting to write words that dont exist, i will finish this later. i have to get ready for school as its currently 6 am and i didnt get any sleep..*