good morning

currently writing this in forensics, but senior year seems like its going to be good. i have good friends, good classes, good teachers, my girlfriend who sees me like every day, and just the fact it's my last year of high school. (TW: ED) but the thing that's holding me back the most is my eating disorder. i was diagnosed with anorexia about 3 or 4 years ago now and it affects me every day, even when i seem to be doing better, there's always the disconnection and self-hatred. i want to eat food like a normal boy, to be able to eat junk food without worry about gaining weight. or even just meals for that matter, i want to go through one meal without regretting it and hating myself enough to wrap saran wrap around my stomach and go on a run just to burn off whatever i just ate. i dont know if i'll ever have a healthy relationship with food. i can always be skinnier, have more muscle, but i'm never happy with my body's appearance. my first dance is homecoming next month and i want to lose as much weight as i can so i can buy some nice pants and a dress shirt and feel GOOD about how i look.  i dont think i'll ever be enough for myself, but i try my best every day to get through the hunger pains and chewing gum + drinking energy drinks, or handling my emotions after i do eat. mmm anyways good morning everyone meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow