august 15 2022 1am

but per update, i have an interview tomorrow for a potential new job. ive applied to almost 50 positions just hoping to find something for the past couple of months. i have a good feeling about it. anyway, ive been going out more to have fun. i try to think if we were still together if i would have eventually got into enjoying clubbing. i think the potential for this kind of fun was always there but i spent almost all my free time with him and he made it clear he wouldnt enjoy going dancing or the nightlife or drinking. so i never forced, and its like we had an idea of where to go or what to do. i wish he stuck around as a friend a little longer at least for this upcoming 80s new wave night thats happening this week. he would have liked it.. ive come to terms that i still have some feelings for him. i think i will always love him and probably would fold and respond to any message he might send me.. i have a hard time fully accepting but i let him go. i soft blocked him on instagram... i dont think he noticed nor will he notice or probably care for a while. if i remember correctly, he should be on a cruise right now going to europe. as much as ive hoped and "manifested" his happiness, success and health i do hope he spends the trip feeling alone. he wont have internet, no phone, no escapism from his mind. i hate to admit i still wait for him. not in the sense i havent moved from the spot where he left me. but in the sense, i look over my shoulder every once in a while to make sure he's not chasing after me. i will always miss him. but that's good in a way right? maybe the relationship wasnt ideal for most but i was happy. it was a positive and loving experience. the breakup and aftermath has been terrible but he will always shine in my memories. ive realized ive been grieving and moving on as if he died. but in a way he did yknow? my boyfriend did die. he died the moment he told me he wanted to breakup. my boyfriend, the guy i was with for 3 and a half years, would have never treated me like this new guy has. my boyfriend would have fought for our friendship. my boyfriend would have never treated me like a second option. 

i miss him a lot sometimes. it sucks. but its okay. its going to be 6 months since the breakup soon. i never thought it would get easier but it has. im happy being single in the sense that im not interested in dating or looking for someone. it makes sense when you really know me. i like being alone, im not emotionally ready and i want to grow and heal. i see no point in trying to be with someone new if i havent changed or made progress from who i was with the previous person. wish me luck on the interview :)