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(where i am its 1 am and i am very tired and mentally ill, so take these ramblings with a grain (or a bucketful) of salt.)
its strange, isnt it? the human nature of desperately wanting to be perceived, acknowledged, and loved. when these things dont happen, we feel lonely. what an intriguing emotion. someone can feel lonely in their own home, their school, and even with their friends. see, i think its part of human nature to want to be connected to each other, in some way. we seek out the attention and the approval of others because that way we wont be lonely anymore. id say theres 3 types of loneliness: one stems from lack of romance (although some people are not interested in romance so they do not have this problem), one stems from lack of attention from family and friends, and the other stems within the self, for the self.
the first one is maybe one of the most common kinds. some people desperately wish for a partner of some sorts because they just want to be loved. i myself am guilty of this, as imo being single sucks (some people like being and staying single though, and thats okay). sometimes i wish someone showed interest in me for once. why? because i want to be loved, in that intimate, romantic way. just as some others do. and thats completely normal. jealousy is also very prominent. why wouldnt it be? its incredibly frustrating seeing happy couples having fun and filling the need for approval and love, because why do they have it and you dont? it just doesnt seem fair. what i advise is just to be patient and wait for the right person. its tough, but one day, youll have someone who doesnt make you feel alone.
the second one is also common. you know that feeling when youre trying to talk, but your friends talk over you? ouch. that feeling when youre tying to have a conversation with a family member, and theyre only half-listening? it stings. this kind of loneliness can be hard to deal with, especially since they might be around often. it makes you feel like what you say isnt worth anything. i get how that feels. what i want to say though, is that you ARE important, no matter what anyone else says or does. theres always going to be someone in your life who listens and make sure youre not afraid of saying how you feel, even if theyre not in your life yet.
the last one is something that only something that i know i can confirm, as ive never asked anyone about this (feel free to tell me if this is something you experience as well). its hard to describe, but i guess i feel lonely within myself? im lonely for my own self, because it feels like im not myself. its hard to tell if im real, or if this world is real, and which me is the one thats most true to "myself". i dont quite think the internet helps with that, because i cant tell if how i behave irl is most true to "myself", or if my online persona is who i really am. i heard a quote a while back that stuck with me : "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell the truth.", said by oscar wilde. i dont know if through this mask on the internet, i am saying and doing what i dont have the confidence to in real life. i also heard a saying from japan (i think?) that says that people have 3 masks: one they show to the world, one they show to their close friends and family, and one face you never show anyone, and that face is the truest reflection of who you are. i do not know what i show to who; i dont know if theres no difference or a huge one; i dont know what face to put on in front of who. in short, i dont know who the real me is. i dont now who i am anymore. i dont know whats real or whats not, none of this feels it. so i guess i feel lonely for the person was, the person i couldve been, the person i never was. its a spiraling state of loneliness for the state of someone you know too well, the person whos an absolute stranger, the person who you dont even know has a consciousness, the person who might be the only conscious one in the world, we never know.
so yeah. sorry for the rambling, im just confused, lonely, and completely fascinated with the human reaction (or maybe the non-human reaction, for all i know i might not be, who knows? i certainly dont). this might be the realest ive ever gotten on the internet, or maybe its the fakest. either way, take care. have a good day, a good afternoon, or a good night.
-Leo
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Venomnik0
"sometimes i wish someone showed interest in me for once. why? because i want to be loved, in that intimate, romantic way. just as some others do. and thats completely normal. jealousy is also very prominent. why wouldnt it be? its incredibly frustrating seeing happy couples having fun and filling the need for approval and love, because why do they have it and you dont? it just doesnt seem fair. "
I feel this my friend. It's very difficult to find others that may seem to even remotely want to interact with you but that's ok. It's difficult and can be anxiety inducing but trust me when I say there are others that feel the same way as you do and if you can, you should be able to interact with them. However, I will say, timing is important. Its much more preferable being single than going through an abusive and traumatic relationship. Don't devalue yourself or hop over the first person who may even be remotely interested in you just because of that. Its difficult but it will really really help you in the long run especially when you may potentially be manipulated by others.
"what i advise is just to be patient and wait for the right person. its tough, but one day, youll have someone who doesnt make you feel alone."
I feel like you're telling yourself this rather than anyone else. Patience is key but so is action. Reaching out and talking to someone and interacting with others is very important. If they blow you away, they were never your friend to begin with. Its very difficult finding the "right person" but it is easy to find another.
"you know that feeling when youre trying to talk, but your friends talk over you? ouch. "
Yeah this happened to me alot in highschool. Toxic friend groups and keeping up with apperances can be annoying but it happens. People are just dicks when they do that.
"what i want to say though, is that you ARE important, no matter what anyone else says or does. theres always going to be someone in your life who listens and make sure youre not afraid of saying how you feel, even if theyre not in your life yet."
I would say even further don't ever be afraid to say how you feel especially if they are close. If you do ever feel that way, that is the first sign that your relationship with your friend/SO is falling apart and you need to get out of there. I hope though, YOU yourself don't forget that. Its very easy to but you are important to YOURSELF and need to acknowledge that. Comfort yourself. Treat yourself. Because you can't help anyone else if you yourself is drowning.
The last point was the most intresting one to me:
"the last one is something that only something that i know i can confirm, as ive never asked anyone about this (feel free to tell me if this is something you experience as well). its hard to describe, but i guess i feel lonely within myself? im lonely for my own self, because it feels like im not myself. its hard to tell if im real, or if this world is real, and which me is the one thats most true to "myself". i dont quite think the internet helps with that"
The internet is the single most vapid, shitty, fake place you would ever end up. It's filled with the most terminally online manipulative people in the universe really. The internet is the last last place to find one's self unless you want to self discover all the negative aspects of yourself. Its difficult to find one's self especially someone such as yourself. Its practically impossible for someone to discover that for you and if anyone "claims" that, they're lying. No matter if they're religious, you're friend, whatnot. Self discovery comes from the SELF. It also involves confronting the most important part of yourself and thats left up to you to decide that.
"because i cant tell if how i behave irl is most true to "myself", or if my online persona is who i really am. "
Neither. Its what you choose to make it. Thats both the beauty and curse of the internet that has been long forgotten. You can be whoever you want to be and thats why i'd say this place/any place on the web is the LAST place to get any self discovery. You may get knowledge. An understanding of the world and a different perspective but nothing else. You won't be able to find yourself unless you search for it yourself. What would you find? I don't know. I'm not you.
"i also heard a saying from japan (i think?) that says that people have 3 masks: one they show to the world, one they show to their close friends and family, and one face you never show anyone, and that face is the truest reflection of who you are. i do not know what i show to who; i dont know if theres no difference or a huge one; i dont know what face to put on in front of who. in short, i dont know who the real me is. i dont now who i am anymore. i dont know whats real or whats not, none of this feels it."
I generally understood that quote as more of what YOU feel comfortable showing to the world/everyone around you. There are bits and pieces, sides that you wish not to tell and I apologize for any cruel assumptions but it's my own perspective of what I see just by this vent.
"sometimes i wish someone showed interest in me for once. why? because i want to be loved, in that intimate, romantic way. just as some others do. and thats completely normal."
"its incredibly frustrating seeing happy couples having fun and filling the need for approval and love, because why do they have it and you dont? it just doesnt seem fair."
You're selfish and jealous of others. You want what you feel you can't have. You just want to be loved even though that in of itself is a privilege another may give to you. No one has the right to be loved the same way no one has the right to love another. You can choose to love another the same way your friend/lover can choose to love you. You're youthful jealousy clouds you from understanding that.
"you know that feeling when youre trying to talk, but your friends talk over you? ouch. that feeling when youre tying to have a conversation with a family member, and theyre only half-listening? it stings. "
Again, self centered and wanting to be in the center of attention. You want people to care about YOUR problems when they have problems of their own. You just want people to care about your problems. You just want the attention and "care" that people tend to provide.
The mask you hide yourself is your need for others. The want and care to be in the center of attention whether they like it or not without recognizing it. Its a mask of your own selfish desires. One that you wouldn't want to reveal to others ( i mean thats why it's a vent here) Its a mask you don't want to tell people IRL but you don't mind telling here. Who knows what you think deep down in your own head.
But deep down. You're human. Even if you make mistakes. Even if you grow jealous or hate another. There's nothing wrong with any of it. All the negative aspects i told you about. Make you a person. Make you human make you alive and that's beautiful. You're a beautiful person for that. Yeah you may not like it. You may even despise yourself but deep down somewhere, you're happy to be here. Even just a little. You may be a tad selfish and jealous and self centered but i mean WHO ISNT. We all want what you want. We want somone to love. Someone to hold and care for and someone who would do the same back. Thats who we are as a species. Thats who we are as people. Thats who you are.
"so yeah. sorry for the rambling, im just confused, lonely, and completely fascinated with the human reaction"
Don't apologize for who you are or your questions on the human experience or else you might as well ask the great philosophers to apologize. You are just as confused as we all are. After all this I hope you see this one day even with all the negative mean shit. Well if you are. but I hope you are ok, Leo. Don't let anyone else manipulate you or change who you are!! because you are a wonderful person and deep down I know you will be a ok. Sure there will be a lot of stress and pain but I hope you can overcome it my friend. I don't know you or ever will know you and maybe you will never see this or even think this matters but I hope this does reach you. Simple as that.
Stay well, Leo.