bad friends pt 1

my childhood friends. i've literally known the 3 of them since we were in elementary school. 2 of them bullied the heck out of me during middle school just cus im black and was really quiet and shy lets call them T and R, (the 3rd, call em G, one was unproblematic and still my friend but we didnt talk a lot). hatred was mutual back then but then we somehow made up trust me idk how, but we all became really close. 

due to financial problem i wasnt always able to hangout like every week with my friends, so i'd have to cancel my plans with them with the excuse "my mom said no" WHICH WAS TRUE BECAUSE SHE DID SAY NO, AND BEAT MY ASS TOO.

fast forward to high school, G, who i never fought with, had to leave the school, but we are still in contact till this day. the other T and R started hanging out together without inviting me A LOT, at first i thought they forgot, but then it started happening wayy to much. 

keep in mind that i'd still text them sometimes, so we never fell out of contact.

we were in online school i never had the chance to personally confront them about this, but when we finally went back to face-to-face school and confronted them because they'd literally leave me out of convos in school and would whisper and say sht like  "you wouldnt get it", they said that they've gotten tired of my 'fake' excuses and  got mad at me for never opening up about my problems???? like hello why u getting mad cus im not telling you MY business?? i never asked about yours???

anyways, we stopped talking for a long time after that, but then R moved out of the country for a while, but then came back. but before she came back, i had already made a new friend during summer break, whom we'll call L, i never had the chance to tell L about the beef that happened between me and R and T, because RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO TELL THEM, L suggested we go and chill with T because R left the country.

fast forward again, L ended up hanging out more with T althought we all would sit together in classes. cant say i wasnt mad cus i felt like the whole thing with R and T was happening again, anddd my friend when thru some bad shit during the summer and literally thanked me for being the only one there for her. even so, i felt like i had no right to be angry because i still used to hangout with many other people because it was my last year in highschool and i wanted to start meeting new people so i dont regret it later. better late than never.

before R came back to the country, i pretty much started dropping all my grudges and decided to let go because it was our last year and i wanted to enjoy it, so i was pretty chill with T. then guess what, T and L started hanging out without me :DD and this point i really started thinking I was the problem, i was genuinely so confused and wondered what i did wrong. was it making other new friends? or was it my financial problems i couldnt control.

when R came back the next semester we decided to stay on good terms, but then she decided to started hanging out with T and L, i was honestly still super mad in the inside, but didnt want to show it and cause problems. so i had decided to move on to a new friend group....which will be in part 3...gosh yayyy

end here. ngl i wanted to gatekeep L cus i really enjoyed my time with her, like literally i never laughed this much with anyone but her. really believed we were gonna be best friends for a long time :(( im so sad now.