ANGY

2:15am, Thursday 11th August 2022.... writing about the 10th. 

Dear Blog (diary)...

Today I am ANGY (little voice for angry). So I'm listening to Avril Lavigne 2005... on LOUD. I almost threw my laptop out the window bcz I couldn't login to Space Hey and i was already, like, PISSED. 

My ex of like 5 yrs is flirting wif me even tho HE HURT ME. Love doesn't just mean PhYsIcAL stuff JEEZ. so his nakey pic doesn't even attract me, in fact i find it FUNNY.

The doctors messed me around - like they always do. 

I had a blood test that went wrong, i panicked and called the docs for the wrong reason. I was supposed to just talk about the side effects of my meds, but i went and told them about my blood test to which THEY COULDN'T GIVE A CRAP about. Then longwinded story--- but I got mad. 

I want to pierce my eyebrow but it costs £35 somewhere local to me... and i just spent £100 odd last weekend, so like, i don't have the money. But i'm feeling impulsive and rebellious. 

My Bunny Bella hAtEs me and she bites my current newest bunny Luna, so i took Bella upstairs for a bonding sesh but she basically bit my hand off, she is so agressive towards me... so I left my hand for her to chew for my own self harm. I kept putting my hand near her to encourage her to bite me because I deserve it. Took her downstairs and realised all it did was make her hate me even more.... because that makes sense? So i decided to start a bond sesh with all 3 rabbits because i figured maybe she got all her biting out on me. It kinda worked, but i broke it up because all they did was bite eachother - WITH MY BUNNIES STARTING IT.

This made me even more mad because i'm scared Luna will get pushed out. Earlier I stroked luna, she got mad at me - showing me by grunting and running away. and then i felt defeated. 

I went into the living room and watched Snowy around Bella. When snowy goes over to Bella, he cleans her eyes, then sticks his head under hers for licks. It didn't always work like this, she would bite him like Luna and it took them ages to get to where they are now. I've had Bella for 3 years and I never feel like I'm gonna have a bond with her. What if Luna doesn't accept me either ? I just want to be loved for me. 

When Bella doesn't stay for long enough or give Snowy licks, snowy chases her down, growls and pulls a tuft of her fur out. When I stroke Bella, she always runs away. Maybe if i were a bunny, i should chase her down the same. She's never ever let me ❤️ her. So I pretended to be a bunny. it sounds silly but even online recommends to do some bunny like behaviour so they understand - like stomp, turn your back around and look over the shoulder, flicking your feet at them... so I played a game where i would be a bunny. I watched Snowy and copied everything he did. He caught on pretty quick I had BEEF with Bella as I wanted to show her who's boss. She subs to Snowy but not to girls - Luna or myself. So I'd stroke her, she'd accept it for a second or 2, then she'd bolt... so i went on all fours and ran after her, grunting. She stomped her feet, so i did the same straight back at her. Snowy flopped next to her, so I came over and lightly put my head on snowy like I always do - Bella bolted and we both chased after her. It was quite funny actually. Snowy got mad at her too because she wasn't giving him any licks, so he was chasing her even more. Then when food time came, I noticed Bella wanted food from me which I thought was funny, so I refused... gave snowy some. She realised pretty quick she was in the wrong... but then I ended up feeling mean, so i gave her treats too, even stroked her too... then I went to bed, well here to write. 

Honestly I became small when i pretended to be a bunny, it felt like a game and I went into little space. I wanted someone to just say "I love you... you're trying to get animals to love you because you have so much love to give and feel like no one loves you"... Maybe bella does love me but not in the "I'll groom you" type of love... I just never seem to click with her... and I don't want Luna to be the same... I also want a caregiver (CGL) or daddy (DDLG) to just pull me aside and say "so lets talk, you feel angry, how can we relieve this" or "okay you're taking your anger too far, i'd like you to take time out and sit on the stairs" whereas-- all of my partners / actual father in my life would OVERACT and would ridicule me... why can't I just have some healthy ways to show emotion so I know how to deal with them.... 😢 

I feel a little bit better writing this and listening to Y2K Avril Lavigne... and typing this on my Y2K 2009 Macbook...

Also if anyone random ends up reading this, no I don't abuse animals... and hi, be glad you don't know me in real life...