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something i cant change but wish couldve been different

I sometimes wonder what would've happened if my parents won the gene lottery when they were pregnant with me. If I had a symmetrical face. If I grew up knowing I looked good instead of just being aware that I wasn't ugly but I wasn't gorgeous either, I was just average.

It's one of those days where I imagine being born with a good face. With good features. With something that I didn't have to constantly work on and change to feel good about myself. I wonder how it would feel. I wonder how it would affect my ego. Would it have made me more confident about myself? Would my ego become over-inflated? I honestly care more about the former since it's easier to play out in my head. I can't imagine being shitty to other people for their looks. It's painful to imagine as I know how it feels to be belittled for my appearance.

I had issues with my body but I can work to change that and improve myself. I can change how my body looks. I can work to have a smaller waist, stronger abdomen or toned limbs. But I can't do that to my face. I can only add stuff on top and wish that it lasts for the day or else my confidence fades along with it. It's a bit of a bad joke that I don't even want to do plastic surgery when I get older or have more money. I can have all the money in the world and know that I'll regret physically altering my face. I don't have anything against plastic surgery but when I imagine myself on the table in the operating room...it's different. I think it's my fear of wanting to change so much and ending up unrecognizable. I've achieved what I set out to do but what if I end up hating it no matter how good the surgeon was? What if I feel resentment everytime I see myself in the mirror and not recognize the person in the reflection?

I don't want to change my face but I don't like it either. I just wish I had been born with a better one.

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